Humour

Un-reality checks

T A Balasubramanian on the latest creation for Hollywood movie makers—the Make-Believe Invention, or MBI

We are drawn again to a host of fresh events at the Techno Over-exposition of Geeks and Gizmos for Lazy Enterprises (TOGGLE), an IT trade convention.

“Ah, so we meet again, Papyrus,” says a sultry voice, and you turn to find Ironica Asimova, founder and head of Ironica Robotica, extending her hand in greeting. As usual, she looks spectacular in a graceful green dress, with a halo of silver streaked hair.

You, Papyrus Bytewala, CIO of Baffle Corporation, are accompanied by Danny DeVito, your CTO and associate—who happens to be a biped walking humanoid created by Asimova herself in the Robotica laboratory.

“And how are you, Danny?” she coos to DeVito, who looks delighted at the prospect of reviving his connections. “Let me welcome you both to our modest stall where we plan to show off our latest creation for Hollywood movie makers—the Make-Believe Invention, or MBI, for short.”

“Ha!” says DeVito. “I thought I had seen it all at Baffle. So what is MBI going to do to blow my circuits out?”

“Well, for safety, we will let you take it all in one burst at a time,” laughs Asimova. “As you will discover, MBI produces user interfaces for movies that are far more exciting than they are realistic. All so that the heroines and heroes may have an easy time handling technologies on foreign systems with the use of minimal brain power.”

“Oh, good,” says DeVito. “I could get used to that.”

“Now here we have the first MBI product called Mission Improbable, Version 4, or MI 4, for short. Break into a highly fortified multi-storied company building—possibly in a foreign country or on an alien planet—and wiggle down or even step up to the super-secure computer. How long does it take you, the hero, to figure out the user interface and bypass all the firewalls and new applications for the first time?”

“Less than a minute if you’re a handsome movie star?” you say, wryly.

“Very good, Papyrus. That’s exactly what MI 4 will do. Now we all know that user interfaces that are ready for walk-up-and-use are purely fictional—except in big budget movies. In reality, we know that even the smartest users have nightmarish problems legitimately using even the best designs, but that’s what MBI is out to disprove.”

“You seem to have a good thing going.”

“Then we have Leap Through Time 2, or LTT 2. This amazing device would allow time travellers from the past or future to use today’s computer systems effortlessly and instantly.”

“I can understand the pre-historic heroine coming from the past being stumped by today’s computers and therefore finding LTT 2 a boon,” says DeVito. “But why would someone from the future have a hard time figuring out how to use our current systems, given their supposedly superior knowledge?”

“Ah, Danny, logical, but not quite true. Like our perplexed lady from the past, the savvy future supergirl would not have the conceptual model needed to make sense of today’s display options. For example, someone who has worked only with graphics and icons, and never seen a command line or typed a command would have a much harder time using DOS than someone who grew up in the DOS era.”

“Even so, it seems far simpler to do,” says DeVito.

“OK, imagine if you were transported back in time to the days when we were sea-faring creatures,” says Asimova. “Say you find yourself to be the in the middle of a battle as captain of a sailing ship. You would have no clue how to sail the ship! You would not know how to use a sextant and you would not know the names of the different sails, so you would not be able to order your sailors to rig the masts correctly.”

“Hmm, I must say that makes a good case for LTT 2,” you say, nodding. “Well, Ironica, even your time-travelling sailor would find it easier than, say, a goody-goody Terminator from the year 2207 coming back to operate Baffle’s current computer network. Sailing ships are still around, and you could possibly learn some of the basic concepts of oceanic battle from watching pirate movies before popping in. On the other hand, it seems highly unlikely that any cyborg from 2207 would have ever seen a Windoves Mista screen.”

“You see?” says Asimova triumphantly. “Papyrus paints the picture for MBI more brightly than I ever could. Which reminds me of Air Paint, which is our next offering. In many of the sci-fi movies, you will find the hassled hero operating a complex information space by gesturing wildly in the space in front of his screen.”

“Oh, yes. Like this?” says DeVito drawing airy snakes and poking them for emphasis.

“Exactly, Danny. So Airy Paint for movies lets you do gesture input and 3D data visualizations. Immersive environments and fly-through navigation look good on the big silver screen, especially if Tom Cruise is in a hurry to escape from the police. You could say that it allows for more dramatic interaction than clicking on a linear list of 10 items.”

“Ha. It does look good, I admit,” you snort. “But, despite being a crowd-puller in computer conference demos for decades, 3D almost never makes it into shipping products. Besides, it is very tiring to keep waving your arms in the air while using a computer. Gestures do have their place, Ironica, but I do not see them as the primary user interface for office systems. 2D works better than 3D for the vast majority of practical things that my users want to do. 3D is for demos. 2D is for work.”

“Hmm. Of course, you are right, Papyrus. Hollywood is drama taken to the next level of un-reality, and that’s what MBI is making possible. But remember, what dreamy sci-fi indulges in today tends to become real tomorrow. That’s how gizmos like laser pointers and optical disks started off. Not to mention humanoids,” says Asimova, nodding at DeVito.

“Hey! You can’t club me with gizmos,” says DeVito, frowning.

“Oh, Danny, I was pulling your leg!” says Asimova, laughing and patting DeVito on his head. “Now where was I? Ah, yes. Access denied. Now that reminds me of the next invention we have at MBI—called Easy Block Unlock, or EBU. There are countless scenes in movies that involve unauthorized access to some system. Invariably, several passwords are tried, resulting in a giant-size ‘Access Denied’ dialog box popping up so that everyone can see it filling the entire screen. Finally, a few seconds before disaster strikes, the heroine enters the correct password and gets greeted by an equally huge ‘Access Granted’ box. This is usually accompanied by a wave of happy music that breaks the unbearable tension.”

“Access granted—what a waste of time!” you snort.

“I think we should have an intermission now,” says DeVito. “I have had enough of Hollywood make-believe for now.”