Manage-Wise

Why the attachment bond matters

We look for reasons to explain why we didn’t get the job or promotion we deserved; why the marriage, friendship, or relationship that meant so much to us failed; or why it’s so hard to talk with our kids, family members, neighbors, or colleagues at work when we are not in agreement with them. We review our actions, wrack our brains, and search our souls, but rarely do we connect our frustrating and heartbreaking experiences to events that took place in our lives before we could think or speak. Yet during that time of wordless communication, the groundwork was laid for the success or failure in our future relationships. How did that process begin in the first place, and how does it eventually play itself out?

With these questions in mind, we can begin to understand why through no intention of our own, poor communication in our relationships results in frustration and disappointment. But let's start at the beginning. Imagine this conversation among four mothers, each with small children:

“He’s such a quiet baby—never gives me any trouble.”

“Lucky you! Mine won’t stop screaming; nothing I do will make her stop. They say she’s colicky—I say she’s a nightmare!”

“I can’t leave this child with a sitter, let alone at pre-school. She clings to me like Velcro—just won’t let me go without creating a huge scene. You would think I wasn’t ever coming back…”

“Well, at least she acknowledges you. When I come to pick up my kid from preschool, you’d think I was invisible. He acts like he doesn’t even know I’m there!”

Understanding child behavior

Most people probably would be concerned about the screamer, questioning what is wrong with her and worrying about her safety if the exhausted mother ever reaches a breaking point. Many would also assume that the clingy child is either too fragile or too spoiled. On the other hand, it might be tempting to believe that a quiet baby is a contented one or that a child who ignores his mother is simply self-reliant and independent. On closer look, however, we might see that the quiet baby seems to stare into space, not making any contact with his mother. We might notice that the child who seems unaware of his mother is generally indifferent to her presence and seems disconnected from her. Furthermore, if we checked this preschool child’s heart rate and blood pressure, we might see that his nervous system mirrors that of the hysterical child.

If we followed these children throughout their school years, we might find that the quiet ones are easily ignored because they seem invisible. They might be labeled loners, socially inappropriate, or disinterested in learning. The noisy ones may be impossible to overlook, because they are disorderly and disruptive. Teachers or counselors might suspect these children of having attention deficit disorder (ADD) or attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Following these children into adulthood, we would likely see them in difficult or unfulfilling relationships.

Decoding the brain activity

Recent developments in brain-imaging technology offer new explanations for these behaviors, allowing us to actually see and understand how experiences with other human beings affect the flow and function of information within our brains. Disruptions or changes in brain activity have been revealed through the use of electroencephalograms (EEGs), quantitative EEGs (QEEGs), positron emission tomography (PET) scans, single photon emission computed tomographies (SPECTs), and functional magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scans. Fieldwork using still frames taken from videos set up in thousands of homes in many parts of the world has captured continuous, spontaneous interactions between infants and caretakers, validating the influence of the attachment bond on the nervous system and uncovering the secrets of the attachment bond.

Universally accepted by the scientific community, these advances have led to the conclusion that the attachment relationship plays a dominant role in the development of the brain, the individual, and his or her connection to others in the world. The security, or insecurity, of a child's early attachment relationship establishes the basis for:

• Life-long relationship with others
• A sense of security about exploring the world
• Resilience to stress, adversity, disappointment, and loss
• The ability to recover from strong emotions, such as anger, anxiety, and sadness, and to balance one’s emotions
• The ability to make sense of one’s inner and outer worlds

Shaping brain function

We all are born with brains that need positive interactive experiences to produce the states of balance necessary for healthy neurological development. Through the new brain-scanning technologies, science has documented that the brain is enormously plastic at birth and that it also retains some plasticity throughout life. Although we used to believe the brain was incapable of change once we reached adulthood, we now know that’s not true. According to UCLA child psychiatrist and developmental specialist Daniel J. Siegel, “At birth the brain is the most undifferentiated organ in the body with a plasticity that enables it to create new circuitry throughout life. This capacity for structural and functional change... never really ceases and the greatest impetus to change is relationship.”

Like a science fiction movie come true, the use of brain-scanning techniques allows us to see the following:

• The brain can continually produce new neutral pathways even as old ones are dying, no mattter our age.
• Interactive experience—that is, communications with other people—rather than genetics plays the more dominant role in shaping and reshaping the structure and function of the brain and in determining personal and interpersonal response and behavior.

Why is it that we can often sense the insincerity of someone’s words in casual conversation or even that of a speaker who is earnestly giving a presentation? This, in essence, is the heart of emotional intelligence. Our brains are attuned to “read” the subtle nonverbal messages of emotional intelligence that contrast with the spoken word. Unspoken signals are triggered by deeply felt emotions that register in facial expressions, timing, movements, and tone of voice.

Excerpt from ‘The Language of Emotional Intelligence’ by Jeanne Segal with Jaelline Jaffe. Reproduced with permission © 2008, Tata McGraw-Hill Publishing Company Limited. Price: Rs 250. Vishwanath_Ghanekar@mcgraw-hill.com