Humour

Getting IT into the fast lane

T A Balasubramanian on how we have become used to instant connections with minimal effort

Back for a new session with the quirky xzxzxDr Don Jong, Bobo Jitter, the constantly bewildered CIO of Bazooka Company gets set to sail on new seas. Referred to as ‘The Oddfather,’ Dr Jong has the outrageous ability to come up with startling solutions to sticky situations as he tramples across the technology landscape.

“You seem more distraught than usual, Bobo. So what peeve could be the cause of such a long face and the drooping shoulders? And is that an iPod that you are carrying around?” says Dr Jong, lighting his pipe with a flourish.

“Well, yes, Doc. I seem to be impatient to a chronic level these days. A few days ago, I was at my computer screen waiting for a search result to pop up, and it seemed to take more than the usual few seconds—in fact, it took a whole minute. And then there was a message which simply said ‘Sorry, we regret to inform you that our server is down for a few hours.’ It was the last straw. I shook with rage and hit my keyboard with my fist—and you can see the result.”

“So that explains the bandage on your finger,” says Dr Jong with a nod. “I see a lot of these little accidents around here. It appears that your expectations have been raised to this ridiculous level by technology running wild through your easy-going existence, Bobo.”

“That’s right, Doc. I used to be a laid-back guy. Now I am perpetually impatient. I chafe at the most microscopic delays when the information omnibus keeps me waiting.”

“Oh yes, the information omnibus cannot wait for anyone, eh? It just keeps getting bigger and rolls on faster. Well, let me tell you that it is not just you, my boy. You know that the vast pulsating Web is out there expanding like a balloon, churning away, seemingly without pause. And being disconnected for even a few minutes can make you feel like you have missed all the action, right? The whole IT-fixated world is getting crankier by the minute. People seem to get irritable when their gratification is not instantaneous. Even the smallest of extra-long pauses becomes a source of infernal anxiety.”

“You can say that again, Doc. I tend to start biting my nails when I find anything on my screen that seems to be on ‘hold’ for an extra fraction of time.”

“Well, then, you must be gnawing off your hand every day when you hit ‘the black hole of the digital age,’ Bobo.”

“What would that be, Doc?”

“Those seemingly eternal three-to-four minutes it can take for your computer to boot up, when there is nothing to do but wait, and wait, and wait some more before you can log on with flying fingers and begin multitasking at adrenaline-pumping hyper-speed. Research shows that when boot times exceed more than a few minutes, users have an exaggerated sense of the time it takes. Four or five minutes can feel like an eternity. You should see what happens in that brief wait state. Some people stare at their screen and fidget. Others pace around like caged creatures on a leash. Some just escape to get a cup of coffee.”

“If I’m at home, half the time, I go off to do a few push-ups. Or, if it is late evening, I listen to the news.”

“Well, there is nothing new about frustration with start-up times, which can be many minutes, no matter what computer you use. But—from what I see in the course of my work here with people such as you—the agitation seems more intense than in the pre-Internet era. In those easy-going days, you felt less compelled to log on to your isolated, monastic machines.”

“So what makes me so impatient now?”

“You could blame it on the technology industry which has been enthusiastically pushing the attractions of instantly accessible mobile phones and an endless stream of always-on gadgets. Our brooding brains have lost the ability to wait and ponder and reflect. We have been spoiled by the hand-held devices. We have become used to instant connections with minimal effort.”

“Well, Doc, so what do I do?”

“Hmm. Let’s see. We are both old enough to recall a time when waiting a few days for a letter to arrive was standard operating procedure, even in the perennially rushed business world. Do you remember when there were no answering machines? When you just had to keep dialling with your finger on your rotary phone until someone picked up on the other end?”

“Of course I do remember, Doc. I could never get the right number on the first try.”

“Ah, but then it had the unintended benefit of allowing you to reconsider whether the original call was even worth making in the first place. The world moved at a more leisurely pace and what with a lot of fumbling and fussing around with whatever clumsy technology we had at our disposal, we were all actually thinking and acting with a lot more civility and tolerance. And did we feel impatient?”

“Maybe a little. But then we have to move faster to keep up with the times, Doc.”

“Oh, but do we have to? Does the tail wag the dog? Just because technology makes it possible for you to work ten times faster than you used to, and work on five different tasks at the same time, does not mean that you should do it. Your slower and happier ape mind may be able to keep up with the strain—for a while, but do you think that your muscles—both physical and mental—were designed to cycle ever faster and more uselessly on the commercial grinding wheel? Your CEO in Bazooka’s corporate tower does not want you to hear this because the more he can get you to chase the bus—and maybe even get into it—the lower will be his costs and the higher his profit margin. There is your big stick.”

“And if I have to keep my job, I am at the mercy of Bazooka’s big stick, Doc.”

“Indeed you are, Bobo. So you look for short cuts to make life easier.”

“That brings me back to the inordinate time it takes for my PC to boot up. It’s ridiculous to fret and wait for a few minutes, Doc—I wish someone would make a PC that starts instantly.”

“Oh, your wish might soon come true—it seems that the computer industry has woken up to see your plight. It wants to give back some of those precious minutes to you.”

“What does that mean, Doc?”

“Savvy PC makers—perhaps out of concern about their customers’ mental health—have spotted a great marketing opportunity in your nail-biting response. The short attention span that modern technology has produced is a bonanza for these guys. A new generation of quick-start computers is what they plan to roll out. The war for getting high-speed boot-up machines may end up like the car industry’s frantic race to cut micro-seconds in the time it takes to accelerate from zero to, say, sixty miles an hour.”

“Ah, that is music to my ears!”

“Voila! So I see that you are plugged in to your iPod again, eh?”