Humour

The art of high-tech slacking

T A Balasubramanian on what technology can do for the veteran slacker

Returning from a vacation, Dr Don Jong is back in his seat, untangling the kinks and knots that he finds in the head of Bobo Jitter, the CIO of Bazooka Corporation. Called ‘The Oddfather’ because of the irreverent advice he generously offers, Dr Jong is nevertheless a highly popular character in the quaint world of IT circles.

“Well, well, Bobo, so what have we today? What new demons are lurking around your window this time?” says Dr Jong, with a gleam in his eye.

“I am glad to note that your vacation has refreshed you, Doc. I have been troubled by the nefarious things that can be—and probably are—being done with the sneaky side of technology.”

“Ah, you mean the dirty business of hacking and virus infestation?”

“Well, that kind of large-scale skullduggery has become commonplace in IT. It is worrisome, no doubt, but it is like a lot of background criminal noise that we CIOs have grown accustomed to. Besides, we have entire industries devoted to building anti-virus software and security firewalls and other such umbrellas. No, what I am referring to is more subtle, and it gnaws on the periphery of indecency and outright hanky-panky.”

“All right, you have my undivided attention. So go ahead and unburden your mind.”

“As you probably know, Doc, computer trickery has become a fact of life. I suspect that it is concentrated among younger users—like Neo Tinker in my department—who are more at ease with new technologies. It bothers me that devious tricks once seen as the purview of hackers are now in the hands of ordinary people. Gadgets these days are full of surprises, and not just in the ‘wow’ sense of unexpected possibility, but also in their growing powers to manipulate or deceive.”

“I am sure you have examples?”

“Oh, plenty of them. As Marc Relaxo points out in his dastardly work, ‘White Collar Slacker’s Handbook—Tech Tricks to Fool Your Boss,’ instead of being a slave to technology, you can master it. It is a ‘how-to’ manual for computer users to tell little white lies to deceive friends and hoodwink bosses. You can make it look like you are working when and where you are not. ‘If you missed a deadline, that is no problem,’ he consoles us. One simple trick to ‘reverse’ time is to backdate the clock settings on your computer. Emails will then appear to have been sent earlier. Of course, you need to remember to reset your clock to the correct time afterward. It will certainly prove that you sent the email when you said you did. You can just blame the delay on the network. Another trick is to sign onto instant messaging systems from home to make it look like you are already at work. If your boss is not in the same office as you are, it appears as if you are at work early.”

“Ah, Relaxo—I know him well. He is indeed instructive in the ways of the world. His ‘do little’ know-how has been honed by years of dodging supervisors, avoiding responsibility, and crafting elaborate schemes to squeeze some ‘me’ time into a workday dominated by corporate concerns. It seems but a natural extension of traditional ‘goofing off’ that has always enjoyed a wide membership in the corporate club of smart slackers even in the good old days before PCs invaded the offices. I know plenty of guys—in a company I used to visit—who would leave their desk set up so you would have no idea that they had left for the day. A jacket on the back of their chair, a cup of coffee next to the typewriter, an open document, keys on the desk, and so on.”

“But with technology, the possibilities become immensely more diabolical, Doc. Simple tricks allow you to appear to be hard at work in the office while you could be actually forwarding calls, emails and instant messages to your mobile phone. It becomes more sophisticated with Neo Tinker, Doc. I discovered one of his tricks last week—it seems that you can take a full-sized spreadsheet or text page and display that as a locked screensaver. Hide your clock, take a shot of a document, and your locked, idle PC looks like you are in the middle of work.”

“And how did you find out?”

“Well, he pushed his luck too far. I saw the same document after two hours. And then again three hours later.”

“Most impressive what technology can do for the veteran slacker, eh? I was reading just yesterday about a nifty little invention that takes the art of ‘white lie’ creativity to a new level.”

“Oh. And what does it do?”

“Well, in Japan, the land of a thousand ‘face-saving’ apologies, you can literally invent convincing ‘sound’ excuses for testy bosses—or even suspicious spouses—by using a small keychain device with prerecorded sounds that allows users to pretend to be where they are not. You can use background phone noises to concoct convincing excuses not to go to work. ‘Alibi Intersection,’ as the device is known, comes with six buttons that generate noises such as driving a car, standing in a train station or hearing a front-door chime. A software version for mobile phones is also available. According to the makers, the noises lend ‘aural authenticity’ to excuses when played in the background of a mobile phone conversation.”

“This is outrageous, Doc. How is a CIO expected to cope with such finesse?”

“Well, Bobo, let’s be clear about this. Deception is an integral part of life. Unseemly as it may sound, everybody lies—often several times in one day. These range from little white lies and sins of omission to outright deception. And none of this is necessarily a bad thing. If you notice, Relaxo actually says that computer subterfuge has become a common defensive response as the not-so-super-tech savvy people seek ways of coping with the stresses of a 24x7 work culture. What we are seeing is the increasing need for privacy. People who are always exposed at work want to dodge uncomfortable questions in an era of ‘always-on’ broadband, mobile phone and instant messaging connections. Just because you can be reached everywhere does not mean you have to be in touch all the time, eh? So how do you turn the tables?”

“I don’t believe this. You mean it makes sense to use all these new-fangled technologies to goof off?”

“Look at it this way, Bobo. For anyone lucky enough to have a job, smart enough to want to keep it, and savvy enough to know there’s a better way than giving in meekly to the daily grind, slacking off is like having a sauna bath on a busy day—it takes preparation and effort. There is a big market out there for books that ponderously teach you how to do it consequence-free, with strategies for arriving late without being noticed, techniques for stretching your lunch break to three hours or more, advice on arranging office clutter to appear hopelessly busy, and much, much more. But you have to make the effort to read the books. What does it imply when you consider it dispassionately?”

“That it takes a lot of hard work to avoid doing your assigned work?”

“Voila! You see that a wise slacker will soon find the sheer effort necessary to learn how to abuse technology effectively to goof off decently might actually compel him to read more, and to learn more about the gadgets, popular software and portable devices. Now that is not consistent with the ‘bona fide’ slacking ethos—which is to avoid all effort. So Neo Tinker, if he is smart, will end up just doing the job, eh?”