Humour

Honest IT blues

T A Balasubramanian unravels the CIO’s tale of courage and fortitude

With his usual gung-ho attitude, Dr Don Jong opens up another session, delving into the tremulous world of Bobo Jitter, the perpetually bewildered CIO of Bazooka Corporation. Named The Oddfather because of the unusual fixes that he offers, Dr Jong has an unusual talent for dealing with technology’s multi-faceted challenges.

“So what’s troubling your head this week, Bobo?” says Dr Jong, striding in to take his seat.

“I am overwhelmed by a sense of panic, guilt and remorse. A lot of technical nightmares are hounding me. We CIOs have to bravely bear the brunt of every action we take, Doc. Let me tell you how I intend to explain myself to my CEO and the entire management committee this week.”

“Ah, through a delightfully open letter that unravels the lowly CIO’s tale of courage and fortitude in every gory detail, Bobo?” says Dr Jong, tapping the ashes from his pipe.

“Yes. Yes. How did you know? I fully intend to take the rap for a wide range of technology glitches that are infesting Bazooka’s systems.”

“The letter will be from the desk of the CIO, and it will be signed, ‘Yours Humbly,’ of course, and it will not mince words?”

“That’s right, Doc. I’ll start by saying that the vast majority of system problems we have been experiencing lately at Bazooka are problems related to updates. These update errors have been manifesting themselves as inventory data shortages, missing orders, missing images, incorrect status reports and so on. At the end of the day, all of these problems boil down to Bazooka’s failure —which means, my failure—to architect a system that can handle real-time updates properly.”

“Ah, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about wayward architecture?”

“Yes, Doc. I will then go on to describe problems with the interactions of the Miracle database and a Seek-Well database, an effort that I intend to label ‘horrible architecture,’ since that is exactly what it is.”

“Please describe this horror to me in simple terms.”

“All right. In the current system, inventory updates, orders, image data, status changes, and so on, are all written to small files which are then sent back and forth between systems. The sending system writes and sends the file and automatically assumes that the receiving system has processed the file. Now, Doc, this ‘shoot and forget’ approach is devastating Bazooka—and by Bazooka, I mean me. In reality, a file might not go properly, become corrupted in transfer or produce errors when the receiving system attempts to process it. In most cases, we do not know when we have problems. The architecture is, therefore, horribly architected.”

“There is more to it, I presume, than all this wailing about architecture?”

“Yes. And I will end by saying: ‘I cannot apologize enough for both the number of goof-ups you all have had to deal with and for the length of time you have been plagued with these problems. I consider this one of my greatest failures over the last two years and I am terribly sorry.”

“Oh-oh. Contrite to a fault—but there is worse to come in the letter?”

“Well, yes. This is all a build-up for what I actually want to say. So I will break it gently—‘It is critically important that I prepare you for the worst—a major Miracle database upgrade is under way—and I would like to caution you all that I expect it to get worse in the short term—and better eventually.’ ”

“So that’s it? Your confessional is ready?”

“What do you think, Doc? Should I send it out?”

“I see that weighs mightily on your head. A lot of that letter seems to be a simplified version, too.”

“That is because I will be writing to a bunch of non-technical people, Doc.”

“What if your worst fears are not real? If the Miracle upgrade that you dread—and which is the prime motivation for this letter—what if it all goes off well and nobody is the wiser for it?”

“Ha, come on Doc. As Murphy said—‘Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.’ Since when has any IT upgrade happened without a storm?”

“Ah-a. A true devotee of Murphy! You technology hounds are, by nature, pessimistic, my boy. Present any detailed plan to a techie, and no matter what his age or specialization, that techie will quickly bring up a laundry list of every way it could fall apart—and then he would start figuring out ways to prevent that disaster-in-the-making. It is like the mentality of bodyguards for celebrities. They are paid to anticipate any way that their clients could be ‘compromised’—and every IT veteran I have encountered has the same reaction. After all, who other than you would be able to anticipate problems when parallel worlds collide—or suddenly decide to conflict?”

“You see, Doc? We’re programmed to respond with perpetual prejudice.”

“Hmm. Maybe you should take a lesson from Brando Bhatt.”

“The marketing head of Bazooka?”

“Yes, indeed. The CMO, by nature and design, is your exact opposite. A good salesperson is genetically predisposed to optimism in the same way that a good IT guy is predisposed to pessimism. You may recall, Bobo that your board members would receive your frank letter about wobbly architecture with a lot more scepticism than you might want to incite—or need to provoke.”

“Are you saying that I should not send that letter, Doc?”

“Well, my boy, as it stands your letter pretty much boils down to a stark message—‘Bad things have happened at Bazooka, sorry about that—and worse things are probably going to happen. Carry on, regardless. I am just the humble CIO.’ As a comedian once said about the air raid drills at his school, the message that the children took away was this: The siren means disaster. It is too horrible to think about. Do not even try to save yourselves. And then, of course, they had the wisdom to sound a siren every day at noon.”

“It is driving me insane, Doc. Do I tell them or do I not?”

“Well, Bobo, subscribing pessimistically, as you do, to Murphy’s Laws, you tend to be honest to a fault—seeing all problems as potential seeds for multiplying new problems. You could take a lesson from the CMO school of diplomatic communication. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. Non-technical executives and directors rarely want the unvarnished truth when it comes to technology projects, so you need to get the varnishing right. They want to know that their problems are being heard.”

“All right, Doc. I’ll keep that letter aside and pull out a paintbrush.”

“Voila! CIOs, like you—who swim in large corporate ponds—have limited direct power and—more than almost any other executive—they need to push their IT agenda by persuasion and by maintaining good relations with other fish in the pond. When communicating to the hoi polloi, it is probably best to curb your natural tendencies. As happy politicians say: Honesty is a powerful concept. Use it only as a last resort.”