Humour

The art of mastering time

T A Balasubramanian on a software that allows you to take control of your time.

“Baffle Corporation is almost ready to launch the ultimate personal productivity gizmo, called Peace Enjoy. This is exactly what the elderly executive will be happy to have and the new generation yuppies will be happy to chill out with,” gurgles Brando Bhatt, looking excited enough to take off vertically. He is directing his gaze beseechingly at a beautiful girl in a green outfit.

You, Papyrus Bytewala, CIO of Baffle, have been given the honor and fright of making the Peace Enjoy product take-off as smooth as possible—at least from the software angle. The present meeting is, as might be deduced, a general dress rehearsal for the actual launch conference. Given their skills in drama and puffery, Bhatt and his marketing team of eager sales trainees are a natural choice for the task of creating suitable hype for Peace Enjoy.

Others in the herd, apart from you and Brooke Bond (the technology geek under your care who has cobbled together the program for Peace Enjoy), consist of the usual assorted Baffle gang—Gulabi Manpowa, the ebullient Head of Human Resources, Fin Fina, the eternally pessimistic Chief of Finance, and last, but not least, Bindiya Baffle, the teenage daughter of your CEO, Baidyanath Baffle.  She is the young lady in green that Brando has been addressing.

Bindiya, holder of a degree from an American business school, is being fondly groomed by papa to be the future CEO of Baffle.  Her every nod is a command at Baffle, and even newly-inducted trainees are prompted to bow a little as she moves around inspecting the office domain.

“We have tested Peace Enjoy on some unsuspecting customers internally, Bindiya,” says Brando, in a reverential tone, as if he is speaking to royalty.  ”And the result has been unanimous—we have rave reviews on the beta version.”

“That’s neat, Brando. So we know that Peace Enjoy is ready to tickle every customer of any age pink when we go to the market with it,” she says, waving her fingers in the air imperiously. “But we need more hype. Do we have some hard-hitting story to explain why anyone would need Peace Enjoy?”

“Yes, we do,” says Brando, opening a bulky folder. “Our brochure has the headline—‘Get Everlasting Rest by Mastering Time with Peace Enjoy’.”

“Everlasting Rest sounds too ominous,” says Fina, shaking his head mournfully. “It makes me think that I am about to leave this world—which is a thought not exactly conducive to productivity, I think.”

“And ‘Mastering Time’ is an oxymoron,” says Gulabi, sternly. “You cannot master time—it is like saying you can master the ocean. Besides, it hurts my sensibility to see a masculine verb being used without any need for it.”

“I would like to add,” says Bond, rising up, bowing, while Brando sighs and sits down, “that Peace Enjoy is based on analytical research studies from the highly respected Duckbill & Goose Consultants to show that time cannot be created or destroyed. It can, however, be stretched in many ways, which is why productivity, which is human effort over fixed slots of time, is such a hard thing to manage.”

“That’s great, guys,” says Bindiya quickly. “In keeping with Baffle’s open feedback model of collective insight, change the headline, Brando.”

“Yes, of course I will,” resumes Brando, writing furious notes. “Now to continue with the copy ‘… When you promise someone you will complete a task by a certain timeframe, do you do it?’” he reads aloud, “Or does the deadline slip past once again, with you muttering to yourself, ‘Stupid! What is wrong with you?’ while smacking your head.”

“Oh, that is too strong, Brando,” says Gulabi. “We cannot imply that our customer is stupid, even if he is talking to himself.”

“That’s right,” says Fina, “I do talk a lot to myself, though.”

“That’s because nobody else will listen to you, Fin,” says Brando, with a guffaw, drawing a glare in response from the offended party.

“All right, that bit of copy goes out,” says Bindiya. “What else do we have?”

“To continue,” says Brando, reading, “… With tasks piling up on your table, you are not able to focus on anything, always aware of this dark cloud hanging over your head.  Guilt sucks the energy right out of you …”

“Dark cloud. Guilt sucking energy. Ooh, I like that,” says Fina. “It builds an eerie atmosphere, like you might have in a Hitchcock movie.”

“Instead …,” Brando goes on, “… decide today that you are going to be a person of your word. Are you reliable? Can people count on you to do what you say you are going to do? Do you have integrity and keep the deadlines you promise? Do you live out what you affirm? Do you do what you complain about in others? What things do people ‘jokingly’ say about you and your behavior?”

“That is deeply moving,” says Gulabi, nodding. “It strangely makes me want to hear more. Go right ahead …”

“… With Peace Enjoy,” Brando gallops ahead, enthused, “… you can take back control of yourself and your time. If you say to yourself, ‘I probably should not be doing this right now,’ you are quite right. If you are honest with yourself, how many hours could you save every day by being more disciplined? And could you leave the office earlier with that saved time? If tomorrow, you arrived at work and did not get a cup of coffee …did not get on the Internet…did not talk to your friend … did not get your new blog postings…did not get sucked into e-mail for 80 minutes … just imagine how you could use that energy on instead that will made you proud and give you a real boost of satisfaction for the entire day? For the entire week? Month? Year?”

“Ah,” says Bond, looking glazed, “I could be taking a dream holiday every month with that kind of discipline.”

“ … When you finally complete the task you have been putting off, the freedom from the stress it was causing you is its own reward—a surge of tranquility. Good things begin to flow into the space that guilt used to occupy earlier. You are no longer paralyzed, and you get your energy back. And all because of a small investment in Peace Enjoy!”

“Now isn’t that awesome?” says Bindiya. “So all it needs is a tweak here and there, Brando, and we have a decent brochure.”

With pre-launch mission accomplished, the group decides to have a tea break. You are reminded of the saying, “A camel is a horse designed by a committee,” but you do not share this insight with anyone. One of the roles of a CIO is to be socially adept at following the herd, playing it by ear, and keeping absolutely silent unless specifically asked to comment.

Maybe, Peace Enjoy will actually be a blockbuster product when it does finally get launched. But the process of getting it off the ground certainly has some fine pointers to one noble truth—time can be plastered at Baffle, if indeed, it cannot be mastered.