Humour

Biting the brand bullet

T A Balasubramanian on why technology companies use cool names for big projects.

Bulbul Warrior, the relentless Creative Head of Brand Grand Agency, is here today at Baffle Corporation, presenting some of her brainwaves and pitching away in the hope of getting the advertising account all wrapped up.

She has been called in to Baffle to provide a bright new brand name for Baffle’s next launch, a personal productivity software package. She is addressing the governing corporate mafia at Baffle, namely Brando Bhatt, the Marketing Head; Fin Fina, the CFO; Gulabi Manpowa, the HR Head; and you, Papyrus Bytewala, the CIO.

“Have you noticed how the high tech companies use cool names for big projects?” says Warrior, “Microshop has given their next major operating system update the code name ‘Faraway’. For the next few years it will not be possible to avoid ‘Faraway’ in the media. ‘Faraway Beta release has been delayed’; ‘New file system not to be included in the initial release of Faraway’; ‘General release of Faraway now scheduled for 2009’ and so on—these are just a few of the items you will see in the magazines and the websites.”

“They certainly have a sense of self-fulfilling prophecy,” you say, wryly. “I can imagine how well it meets their marketing objectives as we CIOs wait and wait with a faraway gleam in our eyes for the day of the launch.”

“It makes you think these large companies probably have a business unit for creating these names, maybe something like the ‘Nomenclature Engineering’ or ‘Creative Identification’ groups,” says Fina.

“The name must have come from a brainstorming party, I suspect,” says Bhatt.

“Come on, team, we can get our own party going,” says Warrior, enthusiastically. “Just to start you up, let me give you the real inside story on the way they picked ‘Faraway’ in the Microshop board room. It went like this:

Grill Bates: You have been picked for the most important job in creating our new operating system. Now we all know it is going to be called ‘Windoves something’ when released; you need to give it a project name that will tell our customers how bright and thoughtful we are, and how we connect deeply with what they feel. I want to see your recommendation by end of day.

Bob Knob: Right Grill, we will work until we have a name for you. It will be e-mailed to you later today. OK gang, let’s review the facts. This is a new operating system. It will increase our market share from 95% to over 99%; security will be our main focus, and we are going to kick Leanox in the rear. And it will be released exactly on … well, on the distant day when it gets released. Now, let’s hear some ideas.

Mary Airy: I think it should be ‘Black Box.’ It just sounds nice.

Grill B: Please, Mary. You offer that name each time for every project.

Bob K: How about ‘Leanox Buster’? That name captures the real purpose for the new product.

Mary A: Great name, but our legal eagles will be knocking it down and we will be chased by all the Open Source tribal leaders for years.

Bob K: I am brain dead from all this and we are running out of time. Grill, just open that book and pick the first word out of a random page, please?

Grill B: Here I have it. It is a poem.

In the world called Faraway

Is the place where geeks can play.

A place where cyberspace is grand,

And every byte goes just as planned.

Mary A: That seems perfect. Let’s call it ‘Faraway,’ then, shall we?

Now imagine all the media buzz this name will create for Microshop.”

“All right, Bulbul, we get your point. What you’re saying is—why can’t our banking product be as creatively and grandly named as the one from Microshop, eh?” says Manpowa.  ”Why do our productivity products have bland names like ‘BC 502’ or ‘BC Version 4.83.’ Have you ever read about ‘BC 502’ in any paper? It has no pizzazz, no panache, no zing. It is as dull as a wall painted grey.”

“That’s right, Gulabi,” says Bhatt. “It seems to me that by giving new products or releases catchy names, we can create more buzz in the industry. Perhaps we could even follow Grill Bates and become the next Windoves success story, who knows?”

“This is excellent, guys,” says Warrior. “Like the high tech industry, maybe your personal productivity product should have some relationship to the odd aspects of the product or release in development. Here are a few specific examples from news reports that I have taken the trouble to collect. As you will see, most of the names have been inspired by Microshop, but who’s complaining?”

She reads out: “Rock Stock Company announced today plans to substantially upgrade its Bullish Outlook software. The new release, named “Bullish Outlook XT,” will add substantial new functionality to the existing product and provide new features for investment management and planning. Bullish Outlook XT is planned for general release in first quarter 2008.”

Or how about (she continues): “Skyscraper Builders announced today a new business management product for real estate developers to be code named ‘TowerPoint.’ TowerPoint is planned to be introduced in beta versions at select retail chains in early 2008 and available for general release in late 2009.”

Then we have (she adds) : “Squeaky Clean Software, a subsidiary of Soap Opera & Associates, announced the addition of anti-money laundering (AML) capabilities to their successful “Crime Catcher” product. The project is to be code named “Whita Vista” and is planned for general release later this year. Ms Opera, CEO of Soap Opera & Associates, believes the addition of AML functionality will help turn black money into various shades of white. The beta release of ‘Whita Vista’ has already received raves from three grateful banks.”

“Thank you, Bulbul,” says Brando, who has been scribbling furiously on his pad all this time. “I have a few names for our product. How about ‘Tick Pocket?’ It suggests that you can do a lot with this nifty, pocket-size tool which keeps ticking you off about your activities. It also reminds you of time ticking away.”

“Too suggestive of ‘pick pocket,’ Brando,” says Fina instantly. “We don’t want customers assuming that we are doing a swindle here, do we? Even if it is a lateral joke.”

“I agree,” says Manpowa. “We need something a little more pleasing to the ear and soothing to the mind. How about ‘No Panic?’ After all we are giving the customer a tool that helps them avoid panic situations by planning their use of time. Besides, my husband keeps saying ‘No Panic’ whenever I tend to lose my cool—so it sounds quite reassuring to me.”

“Gulabi, I would rather have a product name that does not promise the absence of something as a key benefit,” you offer. “It’s like naming a perfume ‘Reek Less’—which, of course is functionally accurate, but hardly inspiring.”

“All right, so what do you suggest, Papyrus?” says Manpowa, glowering at you.

“Peace Enjoy,” you say, after a long pause. “By managing your time well you can spend more time doing the things that you actually enjoy—which is my idea of tranquillity.”

“I like that,” says Warrior, smirking. “That’s what we call a brand bullet. It drives home the essence of your product in a shot.”

“At last,” says Fina, with a grunt. “We can enjoy some peace around here.”