Humour

Geek speak for non-geeks

T A Balasubramanian on how to make the Geek Island an attraction for non-geeks.

Once again, Bobo Jitter, the eternally restless CIO of Bazooka Company hurries over to the invitingly laid-out couch in the spacious office of Dr Don Jong, seeking ways to find balance in his chaotic life.  Dr Jong, as we know, is sometimes called The Oddfather, a title he has been given due to his unusual skill in calming the tempestuous tides of technology by offering his own brand of tangential wisdom. 

“As you were saying, Doc, yes, maybe it is time for us techies to turn Geek Island into an attraction for non-geeks. It would work, if only I could find a way to get El Gizmo, the geekiest team leader in my department, to be polite and patient enough to act as a guide. He is, as we have seen, too short in these qualifications. He expects people to follow his outlandish geek talk. I don’t see how he would condescend to explaining himself to anyone.” 

“Well, Bobo, let us face it, we all have our pet Geek Islands. Each discipline has grown to accept the oddities of its own language, much in the way in which we accept the odd blemishes on our own faces. We psychologists talk of ‘introspective episodes’. English scholars may use language such as ‘stream of consciousness’, while economists may speak gleefully of ‘market maximisation’. Of course, this makes it indecipherable to everyone else—the non-geeks. Those not directly involved in the discipline or a related field are left thinking that the language is convoluted and not worth the pain necessary to learn it. And, of course, El Gizmo, with his proud disdain for those who do not follow him, thinks nothing of those so afflicted?” 

“Exactly, Doc. He simply has no empathy for the afflicted.” 

“Ah, that missing empathy I can comprehend. But first, let me tell you about my experience with two laptop computer salespersons I came across. The first one came to me and said: You can have a 12-inch screen active matrix laptop, with 16 plus colours, with an AGP graphics controller, and with 2.5 MB of SGRAM video memory. What’s more—it includes the L2 cache running at the full clock speed, plus two extra PCMCIA slots so you can add a modem for instant Internet gaming.” 

“That sounds like El Gizmo, Doc.” 

“Now, a few days later, the second salesperson came in, with exactly the same machine. She said: What we have for you is our amazing laptop with brilliant colours, and exceptionally smooth graphics for playing games. What’s more—it can include extra memory to run games extremely fast, plus you can add extra parts such as a modem to connect to the Internet where you can play against other people.” 

“Well, Doc, that was so admirably translated into non-geek, I presume that you had no choice but to buy it?” 

“Of course not, my boy, it is not that I was being rude—I had no need for such a machine, since I already own a laptop of recent vintage—though I must admit that I was sorely tempted by the second offer—especially since I enjoy playing games.” 

“Well, Doc, that’s my point—if El Gizmo does not have the empathy to put his geek speak aside, he is bound to remain disconnected from his audience. And if he is addressing Fin Fina, my CFO, that means I get disconnected from my budget, too.” 

“But let me finish, Bobo. It was also important for me to understand what the first salesperson was saying—the one who was heavy on the jargon. When I was reeling under the flood of words like AGP, SGRAM and PCMCIA, I found that I was suddenly curious to know what this entirely new world was all about. Here I am, an aware and educated man in my late forties, and I was ignorant of these technical words—and after all these years of using a laptop. I was afflicted more with shame about my ignorance than irritation at the salesperson. It made me look up a technical dictionary and secretly learn the jargon.” 

“But you are not a typical technology non-geek, Doc, are you? You deal with techies all the time.” 

“When it comes to non-geeks, who is to say what is typical and what is not, Bobo? Besides, if the laptop is a machine I use every day, would it not make me happier to know more about the technical wizardry that goes into it?” 

“Maybe so, Doc. But you are willing to make the effort to know, which I presume is not what the average afflicted non-geek is ready to do.” 

“Ah, Bobo, but we don’t know that, do we? This is why I propose the Charming Rule for making Geek Island attractive to the afflicted non-geek with no patience or time to cross over.” 

“The Charming Rule?” 

“Yes. The rule is simple—make geek speak charming—even seductive—to those who need to be charmed because they are not ready to swim across to Geek Island out of their own natural curiosity.” 

“Well, charming in what way, Doc?” 

“What if we convince El Gizmo to make it a mission to have the world swimming across to Geek Island just to hear him and follow his technical jargon with rousing cheers? Would he not then make the time and effort to take on this new challenge, and actually made it cool for the non-geeks to speak his jargon? What if we make it fashionable for the afflicted to become master speakers of geek themselves? What if geek speak were to become an object of—ah—desire? Especially for those who desire success?” 

“Why would they want to do that, Doc? I mean, what on earth would be the use of learning more jargon about a technology than you absolutely need to know?” 

“Oh, Bobo, you do so underestimate the power of words. Words, or rather the control of words, and hence the control of language, is what gives people a sense of power—and you should know that as a CIO who can spout jargon at the drop of a hat. If some of the language that you use confuses me, then I have two options. First, I can sulk and withdraw and tell myself that you have chosen to inflict jargon on me because you wish to be considered superior to me—or that you are a selfish and boorish geek. The other option is for me to seek out this new means of exercising power by absorbing the jargon and learning all about the technology. Especially since it literally sits on my lap every day.” 

“Oh, well, Doc, it seems to me that what you’re saying is that if we could cunningly make technical jargon charming enough for non-geeks, it would make the El Gizmo’s of the world the new Tribe of Technology Messiahs.” 

“Voila, my boy, you comprehend! Would you enjoy a game of cricket if you had no idea of what terms like ‘clean bowled,’ ‘slip,’ ‘googly’ and ‘leg-spin’ mean? You can only go out to bat when you know the jargon and the rules. It is the same with the game called technology, eh?”