Humour

What’s cooking?

Running a kitchen is the same as managing nightmarish projects, writes T A Balasubramanian.

Dr Don Jong is back, probing into the mercurial workings of the mind of Bobo Jitter, the ever-befuddled CIO of Bazooka Company. Dr Jong, also known as The Oddfather, has a special gift for handling technology’s eccentric cliff-hangers, which he treats with as much aplomb as his quavering patients.

“So you think natural laziness is part of the smart personality of a geek, Doc. But then, consider the nasty behaviour of El Gizmo, the lazy techie in my team when he gets upset with a team member for the smallest error. It is as if he cannot tolerate those he considers inferior. Sometimes I wonder why I made him a team head.”

“Yes, of course. Great geeks, especially the ones with special skills like your El Gizmo, are exceptionally good at doing things in an easy fashion, but at the same time, they have giant egos. In this, he is like a great chef I know.”

“A chef, Doc?”

“Yes, indeed. The mark of a great chef is not simply his willingness to do something different. It is his ability to change one or two elements of a classic recipe and make it work marvelously—every time. That rare talent, mastered by my chef friend, Don Almondo, is the main reason that anyone interested in food should visit Almondo Restaurant, which, of course, is named after him.”

“Ah, so he recycles old recipes with a twist and creates something new?”

“Yes, that is what Almondo does. Pure genius, eh? But he is also brilliant in another way that you will find instructive as a CIO in managing nightmare projects. You may have seen Don Almondo on one of his TV shows which are literally called Almondo’s Kitchen Nightmares. It is a competition between chefs trying to win a dream job: to be the head chef of their own high-end restaurant. On this show, Almondo is judge, jury, and executioner. And he makes quite a few heads—how do you say—roll. Almondo is called in by desperate restaurant owners to help turn around their failing restaurants. Almondo steps in with his expertise to help.”

“And how does he help, Doc?”

“Ah, it is fascinating, Bobo. If you just watch Kitchen Nightmares you will most likely conclude that Almondo is one of the devil’s own helpers. He screams, yells, curses, belittles, and throws tantrums that even a 4-year-old could learn from because Almondo is so full of drama, like Marlon Brando. Then he does it all over again, just for spite. In Kitchen Nightmares there is no evidence at all of why Almondo is such a respected chef. He is just a nasty man.”

“So he is like a prima donna on a stage? That sounds a lot like what I have to put up with, Doc.”

“That is on the surface, my boy. Now if you watch Kitchen Nightmares closely, you will see a slightly different side of Almondo. He is, of course, yelling and cursing a lot, but you will also note something else—this bully seriously knows what he is doing—which is why he gets away with all the temper display. The depth of his knowledge in all areas of the restaurant business is immediately apparent as he methodically works to fix what is weak or broken.”

“So being mean and nasty becomes all right if you are a genius?”

“That is his persona, Bobo. The point is that Almondo knows how to run a profitable restaurant. That is one of his key skills. Anyone can lose money running a restaurant. The secret is knowing how to make money running a restaurant. Apparently if, you run it right, a restaurant can make a lot of money. It can also lose a lot of money. Now is that not like a big software project? A huge, complex, risky jump into the darkness?”

“Well, I must say it is, Doc.”

“Now how does Almondo teach people how to run a profitable restaurant? It is not what you may be thinking. He does not go around cutting costs, producing shoddy work, and engaging cheap labour. Almondo goes hammer and tongs for profit through excellence and skill—and he drills that into the business like a military general.”

“Ah, Doc, it all sounds so regimented and painful.”

“Well, Bobo, That regimentation is what makes his profitable restaurant run exactly the way customers wants it—and it keeps these customers wanting to come back again and again. But of course, none of them will see Almodo in a towering fury when a dish is not done to his liking. That is only seen by his junior chefs and cooks. On the show, it is great fun to watch Almondo curse and cajole his way through the entire restaurant staff. He goes around putting his finger directly on problems, creating inspired solutions, and then mentors the staff and owners through the transformations needed to become a good restaurant. It is great drama, and it works.”

“But quite rough on the staff, Doc, if I may say so.”

“Well, Bobo, people that think logically, like Almondo and your own El Gizmo, are a nice contrast to the real world. While watching the program you have to wonder how people who invested their life savings in a restaurant could be so messed up. But then you realise we are all messed up and illogical at one time or another. From the distance TV provides, everyone can look bad. Running a restaurant is hard work, and it is so easy to get into—how do you say—a rut.”

“You’re right, Doc. My projects can get very messy too.”

“And messy projects need dramatic revivals or they will soon sink like stones. On TV, you watch Almondo apply shock therapy on the doddering restaurant and bring it back to life. It is miraculous to see both the restaurant and the people waking up, as if from deep sleep. It is fun when Almondo revisits the restaurant after six or so weeks to see how the restaurant is doing.”

“What does he find?”

“Most of the time, the restaurant is doing better. There are a lot of happy customers and money is being made. And the restaurants do not slavishly follow what Almondo prescribed, either. Instead, Almondo taught them the principles of running a restaurant and then they learned how to apply these to their own messy situation.”

“Amazing, Doc. But does it always work, this Almondo prescription?”

“Well, sometimes he finds the restaurant has closed down or is not doing as well as you might expect. The reasons vary. Sometimes the initial problems were too great. Sometimes people are simply stubborn and will not change their ways.”

“Just like what we face at Bazooka all the time.”

“Voila, you see? The best investment a restaurant owner can make is a great head chef. What impressed me most was Almondo’s absolute uncompromising dedication to quality at every level. He insists on a clean kitchen, fresh ingredients, preparation from scratch, a simple menu, a well maintained interior and exterior, competent peo ple in every job. And he has no trouble telling people what they are doing wrong and what they need to do better. Sounds like the perfect recipe for your company to me, eh?”