Humour

Beware, computers think like us

T A Balasubramanian analyses the thinking patterns of programmers and their computers.

With some more wacky wise stories and off-the-cuff advice, Dr Don Jong is back, probing into the curious labyrinth that is the mind of Bobo Jitter, the CIO of Bazooka Company. Called the ‘Oddfather’ because of the unusual fixes he offers, Dr Jong, as we know, has a unique bedside manner for handling technology’s eccentric conundrums.

“While I do a lot of my work with computers each day, Doc, I am often stricken by panic when I actually think about what we do for a living.”

“And why is that, Bobo?” says Dr Jong, leaning back on his armchair with a patient look at his patient.

“I’m going to go all the way back to the basics, starting with one of those deceptively obvious ideas that everyone can agree with at first glance,” says Bobo, crossing his arms as he settles back on the couch.

“Computers do not think, Doc. Everyone knows that computers do not have their own thoughts, but most people would be hard pressed to tell you what computers actually do. And they would have an even harder time trying to describe the difference between ‘thinking’ and whatever it is that computers do.”

“Ah, so what is that computers actually do, my boy?”

“Well, Doc, what computers really do is manipulate symbols according to a predefined set of rules. Humans, on the other hand, associate symbols with meanings. Again, it is easy to nod and agree with that, but even good programmers can get caught by the difference a dozen times a day.”

“Is that so? I wonder why.”

“Call it our professional hazard. Programming practice—which is what we do to make those unthinking computers do anything useful—invariably makes me and my coding teams think like computers. It teaches you how to simulate a computing machine in your head, rather than shuffling a bunch of rules together randomly and hoping they do the right thing—which is probably what a psychiatrist does—no offence meant to you, Doc.”

“No, of course not. But you were pointing out to the difficulty that programmers have with symbols?”

“Yes, Doc. That brings me to my second deceptively simple panic point—for us humans, all symbols represent meanings. The tricky bit here is that we humans are the ones who make the assumptions. Remember—computers just manipulate symbols according to rules we feed them. But in the human world, we expect to move from one meaning to another, logically connected meaning.”

“So what is the cause for panic?”

“Well, Doc, the problem is that, even in the human frame of reference, it is hard to pin down the concept of ‘meaning’. Philosophers have been fighting over it for centuries. Personally, as a CIO meditating about programming, I have found it easiest to assume that the term ‘meaning’ describes all the logical connections we can make between one idea and another. To put that another way, we define meaning in terms of human assumptions, and we take it for granted that computers will behave a certain way based on those human assumptions.”

“Of course, Bobo. So human assumptions are the basis of all software. Programmers define the rules by which computers manipulate symbols. And you fear those assumptions could be wrong?”

“Precisely, Doc. What if they turn out to be terribly wrong assumptions? What if there is no cheese at the end of the maze?”

“Well, Bobo, that’s what we all have to accept, whatever we are doing—we human monkeys are burdened with the responsibility of our assumptions, is it not? Sometimes there is cheese, and sometimes there is no cheese. So that makes it important for you to know what programming makes you do—since you say programming practice is what puts you and your teams inside the computer’s head, so to speak?”

“That’s right, Doc. First, programming is the art of thinking clearly, and second: a computer programmer is a human who has been trained to think like a computer.”

“Wait a minute, Bobo. You started by saying, ‘Computers do not think,’ right? Then you said ‘Programming is the art of thinking clearly, and a computer programmer is a human who has learned to think like a computer.’ Now what do you get if you put all those sentences together?”

“Ah, I see where you are going, Doc. So, does it mean that I am saying ‘a computer programmer is a human who has learned not to think’–or worse, has actually lost his power of thinking like a human—which is the usual blustering, fuzzy way we think?”

“Of course, what I mean is that you think like a programmer, which is not meant to be insulting, as I am sure it might be construed, although probably not by someone who thinks like a programmer, which is a good way for a CIO to be thinking. Now that would be different from the fuzzy, human way you would start to think, say, when you are confronted by a beautiful girl.”

“Well, Doc. You’re right about that. I can’t think straight at all when I meet a beautiful girl. I think I chose ‘think like a computer’ because it sounds better than saying ‘has learned to simulate a computing machine mentally.’ Maybe it would be better to say, programmers are humans who can build—and run—a virtual computer in their minds.”

“And sure enough, you do have software going wrong many a time, Bobo. But what you see in the computer is, nonetheless, a condensation of the human mind put to work with a lot of discipline. Even mentally simulating a virtual computer is hard work. More poetically, you could say that programmers build bridges between the human world and the machine world. Imagine the physical effort of trying to move a welding torch in exactly the same path a robot would use—with no bumps, no jiggles, no wavering speeds. After half an hour of that, any man would rather want to go out and babble fuzzy nonsense before a beautiful girl.”

“That’s impossible for me to do, Doc. You know, we techies—or nerds, to use a popular term—are tongue-tied when it comes to making conversation about anything other than technnology.”

“Ah, Bobo, do not apologise for your nerd lineage. It is great to be a nerd at this point in history. Nerds created the Internet. Well, you guys created computers and electricity to begin with. Nerds also create cell phones, space communication satellites, even TV, which has turned most people into bug-eyed zombies. Thinking of how much all of these things have changed the world in the last 100 years, I think it is safe to say that nerds are a dominating, if not ruling species. So it is special now to be a nerd.”

“Well, Doc, that is reassuring. And I used to think my back office boys—my legion of programming nerds—are always getting a raw deal.”

“Voila, you comprehend. In most cases it is often a vast army of anonymous nerds, who do their labour quietly while a company like Bazooka is represented to the public by business managers, lawyers and marketing. The nerds typically have to sign a contract where they are forbidden to talk about what they are doing there, but we know they are the ones to thank for everything.”