Humour

Behind the trade show

T A Balasubramanian on the trade show tricks of trapping IT customers.

So the trade show lesson continues, as Danny DeVito, the first biped walking humanoid to be appointed as CTO at Baffle Corporation jauntily keeps pace with you, Papyrus Bytewala, CIO of Baffle, at the Techno Over-exposition of Geeks and Gizmos for Lazy Enterprises (TOGGLE).

As IT expositions go, this is a sprawling affair with hundreds of displays each more seductive than the other. It is presenting you, the official technology disambiguator, bodyguard and chaperone of DeVito, with a unique playground to let your humanoid CTO absorb the highs and lows of IT life with no holds barred.

“Well, Papyrus,” says DeVito, cheerfully, “Groucho Goose seems determined to have his Goosefeather product ride the Leanox wave, and even if it means a battle against the entrenched Windoves, huh? Is this like ‘riding the penguin in the direction in which it is going’?”

“Very observant, Danny. Ah, your fresh metaphor does have a point. Leanox has become a cult ever since the first lines of code were posted by a student on the Internet. It started off with a geek following, then it got hijacked by investors, IT executives and big business corporations fascinated by its potential. It adds up now to a hefty $15 billion in annual sales of hardware, software and services such as the Goosefeather ecosystem from Groucho.”

“Besides which it smacks hard at Windoves, the proprietary 800 pound gorilla?”

“That’s the way the IT world works, Danny. First comes a bright idea that takes off like a rocket. It grows into a big industry giant managed by a smart nerd, whose only maniacal goal is to put the Windoves black box on every desktop, maybe eventually on every rectangular slot on the planet.”

“Sounds like some form of deep mental regimentation to me. We humanoids can appreciate that. That’s how large numbers of my simpler ancestor robots could be made to look alike, move alike and even blink alike—like an army of clones.”

“You’re right, Danny, it is regimentation. However, this induced, calculated dumbing of the minds of millions of powerless users eventually has to halt. Enlightenment dawns. Discontent appears among the ranks, and then it spawns a wave of rebellion among awakened users who really don’t know why they have gradually become slaves to a black box.”

“A saviour appears on the horizon, eh? Just like in the Hollywood epics?”

“Exactly. Overheated rebels from the discontented user masses form determined bands of anarchist packs who wage war on the big bully, dubbing him “evil” and “enemy of freedom” because he rakes in sales and enforces patents and copyrights while promising to introduce better and better Windoves each time. In this case, one anarchist is building up enough steam to challenge the main gorilla. Only, in this case, Leanox looks set to become another 800 pound gorilla—though you may find it hard to imagine a cute penguin turning into a snarling beast.”

“Not really. Remember, the Penguin in ‘Batman Returns’ was the personification of evil.”

“Ah, but that’s Hollywood, Danny. Anyway, we can’t stay here all day talking about overweight gorillas and evil penguins, Danny. Someone at Baffle, most certainly our eagle-eyed CFO, Fin Fina himself, is bound to ask what the show was all about. We should move around and collect some more lavish brochures to prove we were here doing something serious here.”

“Ah, sure, Papyrus,” says DeVito, smiling at another salesgirl in a slinky green uniform who puts a bunch of attractive booklets into his bag.

“You know, Danny, before these sales people are let loose on the show here, they are trained, much like military personnel, in identifying weak spots in the victims—that is, folk like you and me—and in various aspects of selling to us, and in what to do and how to act in and around their booths.”

“So that’s why they keep smiling unnaturally all the time, eh?”

“Of course. They are turned into ruthless and efficient selling machines because a potential victim—or customer, if you like—can easily spot untrained booth personnel: these are the jittery guys and fidgety girls who will not make eye contact, who will not initiate conversations, or who otherwise ignore potential customers—also called targets. You can see quite a few of these here, if you notice. Mainly around the uncrowded booths.”

“Targets, victims, customers. Wonderful how trade shows can make robots like me feel entirely comfortable. Like my surrogate mom Ironica says: we make humanoids understand that most humans are happiest when they are stalking other, lazier humans in order to overpower them—physically or psychologically.”

“Well, Danny, this is a good time to go behind the gloss. Exhibiting at trade shows like these is expensive for people like Groucho Goose, so they are willing to do anything to make sure they get more bang for their buck. So sometimes you make the sales folk dress up as penguins, sometimes as gorillas, or anything else ridiculous enough to get attention. If you do take a stall here, training your booth people on engaging floor traffic, what questions to ask to ferret out tire kickers—the ones who look and test, but never buy—and trinket collectors—who belie-ve in taking back a load of brochures and free goodies—from real prospects, is critical to getting any payoff—and business is all about payoffs.”

“Well, there’s more to the gloss than meets the eye, that’s for sure.”

“Observe, Danny,” you counsel. “Notice the methods of the proactive versus the passive booth-keepers.”

“You’re right, Papyrus,” says DeVito, amused. “The difference is obvious if you know what to look for, eh?”

“Ah, so you notice the rewards that come to the trained eye? First, watch exactly how a sale at this trade show is clinched. Prospective customers are gathered several ranks deep around a demonstration of a computer system at the Insell booth, do you see?”

“Yes, indeed. Except for the bright young man at the back.”

“Exactly. Now he is an IT member of the booth team, who has been trained to home in on people at the back of the crowd to make sure they don’t lose interest and drift away. Look, he struck up a conversation with a man behind the cluster of customers.”

“So that’s how they keep the victims—sorry, customers—in focus?”

“Right. Now if the victim at the back turns out to be the CIO of a major company, Insell will probably close a big sale with that company. And all because they have trained a bright young man to become a customer catcher—or advocate, to be polite.

“There is method behind the madness at TOGGLE, eh?”

“These glossy booths are designed like Venus fly traps—to entice customers. Here is where sales get closed because of tricks that are learned in trade show polishing schools.”

“And these polishing schools put the gloss into trade shows?”

“Indeed, Danny. Behind every successful trade show sale, there is a trade show polishing guru at work.”