Humour

The ideal CTO?

T A Balasubramanian on what differentiates a new age CTO from the old.

“When you introduced Danny DeVito to Baffle as the new CTO,” says Papyrus Bytewala, CIO of Baffle Corporation, “all of you knew he was inducted by the Boss himself, and therefore, I had no say in the matter.”

Papyrus is addressing the assembly of Ironica Robotica’s finest and loveliest staff, now guests at Baffle—the fetching Prof Ironica Asimova herself, and her two beautiful staffers, Senior Researcher Nina Nilgiri, in a blue T-shirt, and Lola Lipton, Chief Designer, clad in a gorgeous black pantsuit. These are the brains who have designed Chaibo, the tea-serving robot, and DeVito, or the Debonair, Vocal IT Oddball and CTO at Baffle.

Recording these interactions is Doodh Byramji, also called Doodh, or Doodhi, who is a gallant Design Engineer from Baffle Technologies, or Baff-Tech. Here he gamely carries on with his investigation into the on-going discussions about the often tricky relationship between humanoid subordinates and human bosses.

4.10 pm: We have all been served tea by Chaibo, who has sensed that his intervention would somewhat make it easier for the meeting to proceed more amicably than it has so far.

“Of course we knew, Papyrus,” says Ironica, with a dazzling smile.

“Why is it that nobody bothers to ask me what I want?” wails Papyrus. “Even in matters that involve my direct jurisdiction and my entire career?”

“Oh, oh,” says DeVito. “We are about to witness a human breakdown. Chaibo, could you keep a few more cups of tea handy for the occasion?”

“Well, Papyrus, if it’s any consolation, let me tell you that we were sworn to secrecy by your CEO, Biswajeet Baffle himself,” says Ironica, in a soothing voice. “Ours is not to question why, you understand, Papyrus? We just follow orders, and we make our humanoids to whatever design specifications a customer wants.”

“That’s right, you follow orders, Prof Asimova. And so do I. After all, if the Boss has already decided that I need a new CTO because of my advancing age and my perceived slackness in keeping pace with the dizzying advance of technology, where do I go?”

“Oh, dear,” says Nina, strolling over to Papyrus and patting him on his hand. “Of course, you can’t stand up to the Boss. I know exactly how you feel.”

“How would you know?” says DeVito, curiously.

“Like I was saying earlier, the way we have programmed you is to keep much less of the boss-subordinate power play active. As you can see, Papyrus was tongue-tied when he should have confronted his Boss and asked him why he was being given a CTO without being consulted in the first place.”

“Well, since we have to learn to live with the present situation anyway, how would you say DeVito can be turned around, Papyrus?” says Nina, cheerfully.

“DeVito can wait,” says Papyrus, irritably. “Before we decide how poor Danny can be consoled, why is it that nobody bothers to ask me whether the presumptions made about my alleged advancing age and my alleged inability to keep up with the latest technology are accurate, huh? Am I a doddering and obsolete creature? Do I look like I am senile and grey-haired and about to drop dead? Do I sound like I am an anachronism from the Stone Age when I speak? Will someone please explain these things to me?”

“Let me try, Papyrus,” says Ironica gently, after what seems like a very long pause. “It seems to me that you have been slighted, and possibly left out of a conversational loop in which you should have been logically included.”

“That’s an understatement, Prof Asimova. I have not merely been slighted or left out, I have been disregarded, scorned, rejected and discarded like a worm in an apple.”

“All right, Papyrus, so you have a genuine grouse. As the CIO who would be responsible for the new CTO and all that this would imply in terms of work distribution, you ought to have been, at the very least, taken into confidence, I grant that. But can we put that behind us now, or are we going to haul your grievance out and air it till we all fall down exhausted?”

“I am not finished yet,” says Papyrus, banging his hand on Chaibo’s head with a resounding metallic clang. “I have had a CTO thrust upon me, if you care to notice. I resent the implied insult to my intelligence, Prof Asimova. After all, as the resident CIO at Baffle, I have ushered in generations of new technologies and managed, like a champion surfer, to ride many undulating waves of change without being ruffled in the least, as anyone would tell you.”

“I’m sure you have been a great champion, Papyrus, unruffled by undulations, but even so …”

“And yet I have been told that I need to be assisted by someone who is fast-thinking, quick-witted and technology-savvy, to keep pace. Now tell me, Prof Ironica, what would you do if someone were to say such a thing to you?”

“Hmm… you are right, Papyrus. I would certainly feel grossly insulted by such a remark, even if it happened to come from my superior officer. Fortunately, I do not have one.”

“Ha. Then, to add salt to my wounds, I am not only saddled with an assistant I never asked for—I am in the company of a defiant, disorderly, humanoid in the disguise of a Hollywood character who masquerades as a CTO.”

“Hey!” says DeVito, suddenly breaking into the dialogue. “Defiant? Disorderly? Masquerade as a CTO? Nobody programmed me to put up with these derogatory remarks, but do you see me whining? Let me tell you something, Papyrus. I come bundled with the best silicon brains in the business.”

“Really? So why don’t I get to hear a single logical, linear, analytic statement from you? To my mind, that’s the first thing I would look for in an ideal CTO.”

“Wake up. There’s no such thing as an ideal CTO, Papyrus,” says DeVito, snapping his fat fingers. “I’m not logical? That’s because I’m created to be irrational most of the time, just like you human guys.”

“Well, Danny may be right, Papyrus. Maybe I should give you an update here,” says Lola. “Sure, logical, linear, analytic thinking remains indispensable for anyone in the IT function. But it’s no longer enough.”

“Oh, really? That’s news to me, Ms Lipton.”

“She’s right, Papyrus,” says Ironica. “To be fair, the new age CTO is radically different from the old. We have to supplement the ideal of well-developed high tech abilities with softer skills that are “high concept” and “high touch.” Add some yin to the yang, so to speak. High concept would be, perhaps, the ability to create artistic and emotional beauty, to detect patterns and opportunities, to craft a satisfying story, and to come up with inventions the world did not know it was missing. High touch is, shall we say, the feminine, the capacity to empathize, to understand the subtleties of human interaction, to find joy in one’s self and to elicit it in others, and to stretch beyond the quotidian in pursuit of purpose and meaning.”

“Wow!” says DeVito. “You put all that yin to balance my yang, eh?”

“Here is my assessment,” beeps Chaibo, with a chuckle, “All yang and no yin makes Papyrus a dull CIO.”