Humour

Observing DeVito’s progress

T A Balasubramanian on Byramji’s investigation into DeVito's assimilation in Baffle Corp

It is time for another memorable field visit with Doodh Byramji, known to friends as Doodh, or Doodhi. The enterprising Byramji is, of course, our eternally perplexed and curious design engineer of Baffle Technologies, fondly called Baff-Tech.

“Doodh, you must be aware of course that Danny DeVito, who was introduced to you as Robotica’s first biped walking humanoid, has taken charge of the CTO function at Baffle Corporation. I know he’s supposed to be a Debonair, Vocal IT Oddball, but I also want to know how he’s faring, since we need more field data on how to get enterprises to accept friendly robots into the workplace with minimum disruption. Is he mixing with the crowd? Is he learning how to manage in the midst of all the office politicking? Is he sullen and depressed? Get out there and let me know what’s going on,” his CEO, Bikram Baffle had told him.

So today, Byramji is out to investigate the current state of DeVito’s progress as a CTO at Baffle, the enterprise. The action is all noted, of course, in the carefully written pages of his faithful diary.

9:25 am: A meeting with Papyrus Bytewala, CIO of Baffle, is something I enjoy, because he is always open to the idea of getting new and improved technologies into his office. As a diplomatic observer, I have had many occasions to sit in on meetings where the movers and shakers of that company have exchanged views, and sometimes almost exchanged blows in the heat of discussions.

Today, however, my mission is to sit in on a lively discussion between Papyrus, or Pappy, as he is familiarly called, and DeVito, who, of course, I am encountering after a long break.

Even so, when I see the 5-feet-tall balding replica of the Hollywood comic with the chubby familiar face and figure of DeVito, I am still in a bit of a daze. Sometimes, it’s difficult to believe that lifelike robots like DeVito will soon be commonplace everywhere. Maybe we will have to carry special ID cards that explain whether the person we are shaking hands with is human or humanoid.

We are sitting in the conference hall, and we are being served by Chaibo, the original tea-service robot, who whirrs and rolls up to me. “Would you like your tea with milk, Doodh?” you hear him whispering, and then giggling at his own little joke. I laugh and ask for my tea with extra milk, which is offered by a genteel gloved mechanical hand.

Payrus is supposed to be briefing DeVito on a new assignment, and also discussing some aspects of his progress and conduct openly, so that I get clued in on the latest developments and make my notes for my special assignment.

“You can keep asking questions, Doodh,” Papyrus tells me, “Or make observations as you see fit.”

“I will keep my interruptions to a minimum,” I offer. “Since it is my role to observe and note, rather than to butt in.”

“You’re like the movie critics, eh?” says DeVito, winking at me. Was this a humanoid? Hard to believe they could come up with little quips like these.

“All right, let’s get down to serious work, Danny. You’re here to take technology to a new high in Baffle, if you recall,” says Papyrus. “While Ironica Asimova, head of Ironica Robotica, has assured me that you are, indeed a versatile and intelligent humanoid who can be managed with just a little authority in the manner of my speaking and the standard rules that we have programmed into your memory.”

“Oh yes, the standard rules,” says DeVito. “And the three laws, I presume?”

Papyrus raises a finger solemnly. “Right, so let me restate the three laws that you will follow. Firstly, a CTO shall always obey his CIO’s orders, even if the CIO is politically incorrect or slightly out-of-date in his thinking. Secondly, a CTO shall be in charge of all other inferior robotic creations, except in such cases where the CIO says otherwise, or the creation registers a protest too serious to ignore. And third, a CTO shall consider and treat all humans respectfully as his superiors, even if some of those humans act unreasonable or behave unfairly.”

“Is that it?” says DeVito, glumly. “Or is there one more that says a CTO must offer his body and soul to the CIO and become a complete doormat?”

“Oh, come on Danny. You’re a humanoid CTO, and you can become perfect if we do decide to take out every bug in your code over the next few generations. But we CIOs, inspite of our human failings, have to have our company resources fully under control. That includes you. Besides, let me give you a piece of advice that will help us get along smoothly.”

“And what is that, Pappy?”

“Not to take yourself so seriously. Develop a sense of humour—it’s programmed into your silicon code. Or so I have been told by Prof Asimova, your creator.”

“My virtual mom, you mean,” says DeVito. “She told you that I’m capable of having a sense of humour?”

“Yes she did.”

“So how come I’m not getting tickled pink by anything you say or do, Pappy. Or is it Big Boss? Or Commander-in-chief? Or, Maker of Incorrigible Laws? Or, maybe, lord and master of my destiny?”

“Maybe there’s a bug in your humour module. I don’t know,” says Papyrus. “I’m just taking a shot at it. You would have to wait for the right situation or stimulus, to get tickled, I presume. You’re like a cow that needs to be milked at a specific time.”

“So now you think I’m a cow?”

“Just an example, Danny. I mean, like a cow, as in a similie. Not that you’re actually one. Cows are far more docile than you are, for example.”

“So I’m not as docile as a cow, now? I’m far worse? Make up your mind, Papyrus. What exactly am I?”

“Why are we discussing cows?”

“I don’t know. You started this.”

“Hey, I’m trying to be helpful. If you can’t find your funny bone, I can’t really get you to mingle with the Baffle crowd.”

“What’s a funny bone?”

“Oh, a metaphor, Danny. But I forget, you don’t have a single bone in you, leave alone a funny bone.”

“That’s a metaphor that’s not in my program. I don’t have an unlimited store of metaphors in my memory.”

“Maybe that’s a good thing, too.”

“That’s right. Go ahead and put me down. Grind me under your military boots and scar me with your superior wit and command over metaphors. Treat me like a worm, eh? Go right ahead. You’re human, and all humans are vile at the core.”

At this point, Chaibo chimes in with, “Here is my assessment. Humans are vile at the core. They are also evil. Evil is an anagram of vile. Ha, ha.”

It’s interesting to see that a sense of humour seems to have been built into Chaibo’s program already. Even if it is a little nasty.