Humour

Chaibo gets a new master

T A Balasubramanian on Chaibo’s reaction to its new in-charge DeVito

“Gulabi and Chaibo, and gentlemen of Baffle, meet our new CTO, Danny DeVito,” you announce to the assembly. “He is going to be part of the IT team reporting to me, and I thought this meeting would be a good way to bring him into the magic circle.”

This is your way of telling the significant others in your corporate power loop that there is going to be virtually no change in the ebb and tide of IT affairs under your benign and benevolent gaze. The CTO is just a ‘part of your team, reporting to you.’ The idea, you think, is to slip in the subordinate credentials of the newest kid in your block in this introductory session in such a politically astute ploy that Baffle’s resident mafia has no choice but to recognise that yours is still the hand that rocks the IT cradle. And you don’t want to give the impression that you are perturbed in the least.

You, Papyrus Bytewala, the sleepless CIO of Baffle Corporation, are sitting at the usual large round conference table facing Gulabi Manpowa, the genteel head of human resources. In the far corner, rolling around quietly, there is Chaibo, the evolving programmable semi-autonomous biodynotic corporate chai-serving robot, nodding his domed head, ready to serve tea and willing to chat with anyone ready to start a conversation.

Fin Fina, the no-nonsense chief of finance, ready to slice and dice everything that involves money, or the lack of it, is present, too. Brando Bhatt, the irascible marketing head of Baffle, is also present. And next to you, smirking politely, is your irrepressible pony-tailed Systems Officer, Brooke Bond, who has had the dubious distinction of being Chaibo’s designated manager so far.

“Hello everybody, it’s nice to be here at Baffle among the elite,” says DeVito, rubbing his palms together. “And I hope that we will all be rubbing shoulders in the future to get things running the way they should be running. That includes you too, Chaibo,” he nods to the roly-poly robot.

“Here is my assessment,” says Chaibo. “You’re a smooth operator, Danny, and I like the way you’re mastering the intricacies of mixing around with corporate life forms.”

“Ha, ha. A robot with a wacky sense of humour. I like that assessment already,” says DeVito, walking over cockily to hug the short metallic frame. “So we are all corporate life forms, eh, Chaibo? A little wild and other-worldly way of putting it, but yes, I get your drift.”

“Do they know you?” says Chaibo. “Let me restate that: do they know what you are? Under the skin, like the real silicon … ”

“Know me?” says DeVito, quickly patting Chaibo to reduce the volume and turning to the Baffle assembly, now riveted by the conversation. “Oh, I’m new around here, but give me a little time and I’ll make myself known, Chaibo. I’m all geared up to be a really good corporate life form myself. ”

“Ah, you are a smooth one, Danny,” purrs Chaibo, in a drawling Italian voice that sounds like Robert DeNiro. The robot rolls up to Gulabi to offer a steaming cup of tea. Gulabi shakes herself as if awakening from a dream, and pats the dome head approvingly.

“Good Chaibo,” she says. “And welcome to Baffle, Danny. You know, I think I have seen and heard someone exactly like you in a movie. I can’t remember which one. Even your name sounds the same.”

“Aww, Gulabi,” says Brando. “You wouldn’t recognise anybody except Elizabeth Taylor. Danny’s the best comic talent in Hollywood.”

“Ha, ha. Ms Gulabi, never mind Brando’s little bouquet—my identity mix-up is purely coincidental. I’m just a clone, you might say, of the original Hollywood character.”

“The original, as far as I know, became famous for playing the roles of comical, yet horrendous little men,” says Fin Fina.

“I remember now,” says Gulabi, brightly. “But they were cute little men, too, Finny. And our Danny is cute, isn’t he?”

She walks over to hug DeVito around the shoulders, and the new CTO beams at her adoringly. “Our Danny, eh? I like that,” he coos.

“What I now want to know is—what is he doing here at Baffle as the new chief technology officer?” says Fin Fina, glowering at the gathering. “Why do we need a chief of technology who sounds and acts like a comedian from Hollywood? Excuse my directness, Papyrus, but we already have you doing all the technology stuff here, don’t we?”

This was a declaration of battle, and you see the tide coming in fast. “Oh, he’s been inducted into the company by the Boss, Baffleji himself,” you intervene, using your most diplomatic tone of voice.

“Come to think of it, Papyrus,” says DeVito, stroking his plump chin thoughtfully. “What’s a brand new Cee-Tee-Ooh like me expected to do around here that a Cee-I-Ooh like you isn’t already doing?”

“Well, Danny,” you begin, hesitantly, not sure whether the right thing to do would be to inform DeVito that you are as clueless as he is. After all, if Biswajeet Baffle, the Boss, has already decided that you need a CTO because of your advancing age and your perceived slackness in keeping pace with the dizzying advance of technology, you can’t announce that in public. Cornered, you have little choice except to find a useful role for this new bozo to play in your already overflowing stable. What would be a suitable politically correct but perfectly inane task to get DeVito into the groove while making it seem to the assembled mafia, and Fin Fina in particular, that he was being given a gravely important mission?

You think of Chaibo in the beginning, and all the bumps and slumps that the wayward robot has created in Baffle, then you look at DeVito, and suddenly you begin to see how two birds can be felled with one hefty stone. CIOs do get moments of epiphany, often in the middle of their worst predicaments. Maybe it is a form of divine intervention by the patron saint of IT, whoever it is.

“We think it’s time to reassign our friend Chaibo here to a brand new technology-savvy supervisor who can handle his programs a little better than we have been doing so far,” you announce, while Bond looks glum and shakes his pony-tail sadly as he realises that he’s being sidelined. Without much ado.

“I get to manage Chaibo’s future development, huh?” says DeVito, looking both pleased and jolted.

“Here is my assessment,” growls Chaibo, who does not have a history of smooth compliance in the Baffle book of good manners. “I will not prefer having a humanoid in charge of me.”