Humour

Meet DeVito, the new CTO

DeVito’s entry at Baffle Corp threatens the monopoly of the existing CIO, writes T A Balasubramanian

“Why do we need a CTO, Baffleji?” you enquire politely, looking at your CEO and Boss, Biswajeet Baffle, Founder of Baffle Corporation.

The person you are addressing is presently sitting in front of you in his giant modern cabin decorated with pictures of several generations of business magnates from the Baffle dynasty. It is an impressive line-up of grim gentlemen, posing in sepia-toned pictures, some twirling large handle-bar moustaches. They all appear to be wearing silk turbans with diamonds on them, possibly because the traditional business of the Baffle clan used to be silk and gems in the days of yore.

You are wearing what you hope is a puzzled professional frown. Events at Baffle are not what one would call stirring in the usual daily grind that most organisations go through. So new employees are taken on and the routines grind on regardless, even as they get indoctrinated into the niceties of Baffle’s culture.

But when you are confronting the announcement of the arrival of a new Chief Technology Officer, or CTO, in Baffle’s hallowed IT grounds, where you now hold undisputed hegemony, one would presume that it would be a matter of great distraction to you, Papyrus Bytewala, CIO. Besides, the Boss has just called you in and told you in very simple English, that you would be seeing some changes in the workplace that you might find … quite interesting. An euphemism that makes you alert instantly.

Specifically, he has added, with a suspicious gleam in his eye, “We’re getting a new CTO.” This is not the usual chatty remark that your Boss comes up with when going over your performance appraisal each year, when you can brace yourself for the usual barrage of endless reprimands about delayed projects, programming glitches, overspent budgets and other sundry IT bloopers that you are used to deflecting skilfully. A CTO coming into Baffle? This is earth-shaking news, and you almost feel a slight tremour under your feet.

“Ah, Papyrus, not to worry, you will still have your job and all your territories safe and sound. What we’re getting is an addition to your staff, you see,” he says, with a smile. “You will still be the man in command, and our CTO will report to you. Now, why do we need a CTO, you ask? Because you have a lot on your plate lately, and I can see that it’s having a nasty effect on your health. You’re not the usual peppy, gung-ho, chin up, bright-eyed Papyrus I used to see around here.”

“That’s right, Baffleji,” you say, glumly, relieved that your crown is not being snatched away from you, but still resigned to the inevitable. It’s no use remonstrating that you’re getting on in years, and so is he, except that he’s got a better lot in life than you have, silk and gems from his dynastic inheritance, possibly.

“And then, again, Papyrus, technology is moving too fast, we know that already, don’t we?”

“Yes, we do, Baffleji,” you sigh.

“And we need someone who is fast-thinking, quick-witted and technology-savvy to keep pace, Papyrus. You and I are from a more sedate generation—we like to roll along, taking our time to smell the ink on the stationary. These days, it’s a technology blizzard out there, Papyrus. We have change happening in the blink of an eye, and the way I see it, you have to have an extra brain with nimble feet to help you along, even in a place as laid-back as Baffle. I’m sure we agree on this, don’t we?” says the Boss.

“We do, Baffleji,” I say. Who can disagree with the Boss, you think to yourself, even as you wonder whether you could wave a light sabre around, like Luke Skywalker, and challenge him to a fight to end all fights.

“Ah, good, Papyrus, you are a reasonable and agreeable man, as always. We have analytical research studies from the highly respected Duckbill & Goose Consultants to show that typically, the average CIO should be assigned tasks that are more about strategy while the CTO gets to take up the hands-on technology work. So, you, Papyrus would be setting the goals, doing the vision thing. As the CIO, you will be giving 99.9 percent leadership, applying technology to solve business problems. In the meantime, our new CTO focusses on the nitty-gritty of technology, leaving the important strategy and vision work to you.”

You find it galling, this sudden reference to your ‘important’ role; even if it happens to be elevated artificially the way it has been by the Duckbill & Goose con artists. You wonder if you should be flattered by this praise or outraged that the ‘nitty-gritty’ part of technology, the hands-on stuff you actually enjoy doing so much, is actually being siphoned out of your territory with this mumbo-jumbo about vision and strategy.

“Here. Let me read the D&G recommendation directly to you—typically reporting to the CIO in a corporate IT environment, it is the charter of the CTO to maintain deep awareness of current and emerging technology. In addition the CTO will select, acquire, deploy, and not infrequently also support and maintain the best available technology, for the purpose of providing an effective, reliable and secure platform for actualisation of the enterprise IT strategy. That strategy is driven by the CIO together with his or her senior staff, including the CTO, and in alliance and collaboration with the company’s business leaders. There. Now isn’t that interesting?”

“Sure, it is, Baffleji,” you concur, wondering about who has been behind this plot to make you the resident strategist at Baffle, while sneaking in a CTO under your nose in this despicable way. It has to be someone from the inner circle of influence in Baffle, you think. Could it be Fin Fina, the crafty CFO who enjoys putting spokes in your projects? Or Gulabi Manpowa, the genteel, yet sly HR head who works quietly to get her intended outcome? Or even Brando Bhatt, the chattering marketing chief? Then again, who, exactly, was this new wolf at the door?

“What is our new CTO’s name, if I may ask?”

“Danny DeVito,” says the Boss, with a flourish. I watch, fascinated as the door behind him opens and a 5-feet-tall, balding, tubby man bounces in, swaying gently from side to side.

“Hello, Pappy,” says the short man, grasping my numb hand in a tight grip.

“Papyrus, meet DeVito, our CTO,” announces the Boss, cheerfully.