Humour

Survival of the cutest

T A Balasubramanian explains how cuteness is an underhand method used by nature to ensure the survival of the species.

And so we find Doodh Byramji in the pleasant company of two beautiful instructors at Ironica Robotica, Senior Researcher Nina Nilgiri, and Lola Lipton, Chief Designer and head of the biodynotics team that developed Chaibo, the tea-serving robot.

Byramji, better known as Doodh, or Doodhi, is an adventurous design engineer at Baffle Technologies. He is, of course, seemingly focused on his mission to discover means for Chaibo to be salvaged and made more human-like, if possible, using the latest designs being cooked up inside Robotica’s labs. His diary entries continue recording the proceedings.

1.00 pm: The morning has been very interesting, what with Lola and Nina making my task commendably smooth, even as we explore the nuances of cuteness among creatures like Nikita, the robotic cat, who is now sitting up and studying me with a steady gaze on top of the table around which the three of us are assembled. The lunch has been quite sumptuous and I feel quite ready to continue even as my two fetching hostesses bustle on to give me a much-needed refresher course.

“Look at the design, Doodhi,” says Nina, now in her element, pointing to Nikita. “Bright, curious forward-facing eyes set low on a round face, a pair of big round ears, floppy tail, cuddly round body and a flexible, side-to-side, dancing feline gait, among many others. Cuteness indicators are signs of extreme babyhood, vulnerability, harmlessness and need. As a species whose new-born members are so pathetically helpless they cannot lift their heads to suckle without adult supervision, we human entities are programmed to respond quickly and meltingly to any and all signs of infantile needs.”

Lola pitches in. “The human cuteness detector is set so low that it considers as cute practically anything remotely resembling a human baby or a part thereof. So we find that we adore the young of almost every mammalian species, particularly fluffy ones like cats. We also fall for fuzzyheaded birds like owls; fat, squishy caterpillars; a bobbing balloon; even a colon, hyphen and closed parenthesis typed in succession on a keyboard smiley”.

“So cuteness makes all the difference. How well a robot is accepted, even adored, by humans, depends on how we build this into the design,” says Nina, reaching out to pat Nikita. The cat moves to her, then sits up and opens its eyes wide and mews, as if pleading to be picked up.

“Ooh, look at that!” says Nina, “Those doe-eyes make me melt every time he looks at me. You see, Doodh, in human babies, eyes and ears are located comparatively far down the face and skull. And baby eyes are also notably forward-facing. Most cartoon characters also sport forward-facing eyes, including ducks and mice, species that in reality have eyes on the sides of their heads.”

“That’s right,” I say, opening my eyes wider and looking into Lola’s eyes hopefully. “We’re born cute, and we certainly ought to make our robots cute if they’re to become part of the planet’s citizens, I take it?”

“You can stop behaving like an owl, Doodh,” giggles Lola, waving her hand in front of my face now. “Human babies themselves did not really evolve to be cute, you know. We come with unusually large heads because humans have unusually large brains, and our heads are round because our brains continue to grow throughout the first months of life. So a baby’s winsome qualities stem from the demands of human anatomy and the human brain, and they became appealing to a potential parental eye only because they need care and attention to survive.”

“Oh, you dashed my dream, Ms Lipton … Lola,” I sigh. “So all this appealing cuteness is an underhand method used by nature to ensure the survival of the species, eh? Just plain old Darwinism at work?”

“Plain Darwinism, indeed, Doodhi,” says Nina, smugly. “And that’s the same reason why our robots are equipped with all kinds of devices and strategies and rules that might give them a fighting chance to be equal to humans under unpredictable conditions such as might be encountered in places like Baffle Corporation. We build in Darwinian survival instincts.”

“So is that the explanation for Chaibo’s behaviour? I am told that he takes on independent personalities now … the qualities of people, even fictional heroes?”

“Yes, of course,” says Nina, proudly. “He’s my favourite robot, and he’s evolving on his own in ways even Darwin might have not seen. The last time I was at Baffle, he bowled me over by improvising on dialogue from Mutiny on the Bounty, adding his own extensions.”

“Well, Ms. Nilgiri, I mean, Nina … that’s what’s troubling my boss,” I say, coming back to the objective of my visit. “A rebellious, mechanical robot makes people jittery in a workplace, though he may be impressive when he does these impromptu jigs. But if you’re now simulating cuteness with lifelike pets like Nikita here, maybe there’s something we can adapt and put into Chaibo to make him more, shall we say, appealing to humans in a corporate boardroom?”

“Ah, Doodh, you have taken the very words from my mouth,” says Nina, laughing. “With all these investigations of cuteness, we have actually done something far more revolutionary than a patchy makeover for Chaibo. So, Lola, can we introduce Doodh to our latest invention for the corporate world? I believe we have him here with us. Would you care to join us, please?” she adds, snapping her fingers at a closed doorway that is discreetly located behind our table.

I watch, fascinated as the door opens and a short, balding, tubby man emerges. I feel that I have seen him somewhere before, but I cannot immediately recollect where or what his name could be. He wears a dark business suit and a red tie, and he has a round face with merry dancing round eyes that look straight at me as if to mock my presence. There’s something a little oddly familiar about his jaunty walk. He swaggers, as if he has just learned to balance his extra weight by swaying from side to side.

“Hello, Doodh,” says the man, grasping my hand in a warm greeting. “And hello, you two beautiful angels,” he adds, grabbing Nina and Lola by their wrists and kissing their palms quickly.

“Doodh, meet DeVito, our first biped walking humanoid,” says Ironica, walking into the room just then.

“Hey, you may call me Danny,” says the chubby man, with a chuckle, as I gape in amazement at what seems to be a perfect copy of the comic actor from Hollywood.