Humour

The Oddfather’s Code Red

T A Balasubramanian on the evil vendor-consultant nexus.

With some more sage wisdom and case history, Dr Don Jong is back, probing into the mercurial workings of the mind of Bobo Jitter, the CIO of Bazooka Company. Called the ‘Oddfather’ because of the unusual fixes he offers, Dr Jong, as we know already, has a special knack for handling technology’s eccentric cliffhangers.

“Sometimes I wonder: what is the truth in the IT business, Doc.”

“And why is that, Bobo?”

“I have been a CIO with Bazooka for 10 years. The only thing that technology vendors have not sold me yet is the truth and in their minds it is a most sellable commodity as long as they dress it up right.”

“Can you give me an example, that would be easier for me to comprehend?”

“Of course, Doc. I must have heard the promise, ‘Our solution is plug-and-play’ many hundreds of times, just as you may have when you went to buy a music system, perhaps?”

“Ah, plug-and-play, yes. Things working together in smooth harmony when taken fresh from a box?”

“Exactly. Every vendor would like you to believe that her technology integrates easily with your existing systems. Software works perfectly right out-of-the box. If it were true as often as claimed, systems integrators such as Accenture would never have been the giants that they are today.”

“You mean, all plug and no play is more descriptive of the experience you have had?”

“Absolutely, Doc. It drives me crazy all the time. It has become so shallow that I now disregard that boast whenever I hear it. Instead, I ask for the name of the special fixer-mixer, or consultant who handles integration, how much it will cost for my system and how long it takes, on average, for play to start.”

“That is good, very sensible,” says Dr Jong, nodding.

“If I am buying a truly standalone piece of software that requires no integration, it will still require technical support. So I now inquire about support contracts, whether support is provided by phone or by e-mail, and whether the software company or a third party handles it.”

“Very well, Bobo. You are learning how to look for the hidden truth when there is a lot of camouflage?”

“Yes. The method works only about half the time. You see, once the vendor has promised it, this plug-and-play, the consultant can charge for infinite number of ways and fees to keep looking for it and then once the vendor has sold it, the consultant can keep on charging in order to report on reasons why it sometimes remains hidden or about the nearest acceptable equivalent.”

“Ah, so there is this evil vendor-consultant nexus to make money out of the situation, and it troubles you? Truth is in short supply, huh, Bobo?”

“Precisely, Doc. It makes me hopping mad that I am often left actually holding the unplugged and unplayable truth, unless I am prepared to bury and justify it as a cost of business.”

“Why are you upset? That is the way business works, after all. Just make it part of your grand mental picture and it will seem fine.”

“What upsets me is that this evasion of truth is costing me more each year, as I end up asking for more money for feeding the big fat, evil nexus that you mention. At the end of the day everybody in business knows that truth cuts your budget in half and with only half a budget how would the vendor-consultant mafia hope to survive?”

“It’s like the doctor-pathologist nexus, my boy. A doctor orders a whole battery of tests when he needs just one or two. But he plays safe, or so he says, to find the truth. And you, the unfortunate patient, will not know the truth.”

“Why does it persist, Doc? This evasion of truth in business ought to be removed but nobody does anything about it. Nobody cares.”

“That’s the way the food chain works, my boy. Nature provides an abundance of genetic variety so that all the animals in the chain can survive. But you have, perhaps, other unhappy experiences you want to recall?”

“Yes, Doc. Vendors say they have got great customer references.”

“And why is that troubling you?”

“These references provided by vendors often come from customers who have received some sort of underhand deal, like a discount on the technology or in some cases, equity in the vendor’s company. It takes a lot of effort to find at least one reference that has not been pumped up by the vendor to get an unvarnished opinion of the product and the company.”

“Ah, so, the vendor is not transparent about his success story?”

“He’s transparent all right, except that his idea of transparency is to provide a puffed up reference.”

“Also sometimes a part of the business I am in, my boy. See doctors with celebrity patients? They give references that are, shall we say, carefully selected?”

“It shames the doctor, no doubt?”

“Are you serious? Of course not. The celebrities love it, the patients lap it up, so why would the doctor be ashamed?”

“So how do I deal with it? Do I let these vendors off lightly and carry the burden on my shoulders?”

“Well, Bobo, have you seen the movie A Few Good Men?”

“Yes. Where Jack Nicholson plays the Marine commander?”

“That’s correct. And he snarls his famous phrase of denial: you can’t handle the truth. Now that’s what your vendors have been snarling at you, Bobo. Except that they don’t actually sound menacing when they do it.”

“No, they seem to think I will take anything without fighting back. But they don’t know me, Doc. I can and will fight back.”

“Ah, very good. You will be like the defence lawyer played by Tom Cruise, I see, who stands up manfully to Jack Nicholson. What exactly will you do?”

“I don’t know. You tell me, Doc. You’re the expert here.”

“Very well. You remember the grease monkey drill? We learned that one must be good at climbing up with any foothold one can find? Long tails, strong vines?” says Jong, waving his pipe. “Now, this is the next lesson, the ‘squeeze monkey pill’ as I have named it in my case books.”

“And how does it work, Doc?”

“By squeezing the monkeys. Give them the third degree, Bobo. Subject them to torture. When they boast of plug-and-play, make them plug and play the system repeatedly till it breaks down or they break down, but until the first satisfying test crash, don’t pay them. When they give dud references, insist on interviewing the names cited as well as their competitors and enemies. This way, you will get a 360-degree test of the referee, and the truth will come out like juice from a lemon.”

“In short, order Code Red, like the snarling Colonel Nathan Jessep?”

“Voila, you comprehend! You see how watching movies can be educative in your career, my friend?”