Humour

The Oddfather’s Jungle Book—2

T A Balasubramanian’s lessons on how to survive in the corporate jungle.

Carrying on with his native wisdom and jungle lore, Dr Don Jong takes up another session, delving into the curious world of Bobo Jitter, the restless and bewildered CIO of Bazooka Company. Dr Jong, as we know already, has a special knack for handling technology’s mind-numbing challenges. He is dubbed The Oddfather because of the unusual fixes that he offers.

“I fundamentally believe that the CIO has the most critical job in a company. I may be able to get past my CFO, Fin Fina and his relentless badgering, maybe even get him to hike my budget, but that’s like a dry run for the main course. I have to find an inner path to my CEO as well. And he’s in a different league.”

“And why is that, Bobo?”

“Our beloved CEO, Bazooka Zinca, or Bazoo, as we call him in private, has a grand mental picture of the company. That’s the picture I want to have in my own head. Every CIO must have a vision as close to the CEO’s vision of the company as anyone. And the way Bazoo sees it is like a salesman. He says so himself. Some people, like Fina, think it’s mission impossible for me to think as a salesman and a technologist at the same time.”

“Let’s bury Fina, and what he thinks. We have already put him to sleep with the fishes now,” says Dr Jong, waving his arm. “But tell me, why do you feel you cannot be a great salesman, like your master, this Bazooka?”

“I think I have always been less focussed on the business than on technology. When Bazoo talks about making it as big as Coke and Pepsi, he wants to see a bottle of Zinca on every tabletop and that includes kitchens as well. ‘Cool Thinka, Cool Drinka, Cool Zinca,’ that’s the line he wants us all to keep repeating. He has even got his own daughter Sweety Zinca singing that line. On TV, on radio, on billboards. Everywhere.”

“And this daughter Zinca is beautiful, eh?”

“Of course. A pretty, dimpled girl who promotes products.”

“This is good. Pretty girls with dimples are uplifting for the spirit. They make people want to pinch the girl’s cheek and say gooey things. My wife has lovely dimples, too.”

“I’m sure she has, Dr Jong. But what can I do?”

“All jungle tribes, including monkeys, have hierarchies, and this means that any monkey who aspires to be the chief of the troop has to deal with the top monkey or alpha male, first,” says Dr Jong, taking a long drag on his pipe and puffing out a small cloud.

“That is interesting, Doc,” says Bobo, leaning back on the comfortable couch. “You must be drawing an analogy with my situation, of course?”

“That’s right, Bobo. You have a secret desire to become the alpha male, to take over the job of your master, can you see? You want to be like him. Act like him. Become the top monkey.”

“You are right, Doc,” says Bobo, marvelling. “I do want to become the CEO. But I don’t know if I can be a ruthless salesman like Bazoo. You know, like getting my daughter to sing jingles for my product.”

“Monkey see, monkey do, Bobo,” says Dr Jong, puffing smoke.

“What does that mean, Doc?”

“It means that if you want to become your alpha male’s favourite boy in the hierarchy, you copy him, even if you don’t particularly like what he’s doing. If Bazoo nods, you nod. If Bazoo sneezes, you sneeze. If Bazoo frowns.…”

“All right, all right, I get the idea, Doc.”

“So start aping your boss, Bobo. Chant the chant he chants. What do great salesmen do? They sell all the time. Anything, everything, to anybody they meet,” says Dr Jong. “You must cultivate enthusiasm for selling. Sell from the bottom of your heart. Don’t go on about flexible architectures, streamlined information and reduced complexity. That does not sell. It will bore the pants off everyone.”

“What do I say then?”

“Say whatever comes to your head. But make it sound beautiful, like Sweety Zinta when she is singing.”

“My voice is nothing like Sweety’s,” says Bobo. “I sound more like a gargling camel in a desert.”

“That must change, Bobo. Get a good voice coach. CIOs must be flexible, open to change. Your voice must sound like a real hero’s voice. Like Sean Connery’s voice.”

“How will this help me?”

“Don’t worry about that. Just follow the rule of the jungle book. Get closer to the head monkey, and borrow his ideas shamelessly. I would suggest too, that you can catch Bazoo’s attention if you just get friendly with his dimpled daughter. Take her out for dinner. That should be very interesting for you, my friend.”

“Sweety isn’t all that approachable, Doc. Besides, she already has a boyfriend, and he’s a muscular, sporty kind of guy. Not like me, you know, always tapping on a keyboard. He may not be pleased if he finds me hovering around Sweety. In fact, he is likely to pound me into pulp.”

“Do you want to be the top monkey or not? Do you want to rise from the humble CIO’s desktop and become the master of your troop?”

“Of course I do,” says Bobo. “But if I have to go head-to-head with Sweety’s bouncer boyfriend, I wouldn’t last too long in the jungle.”

“You remember the grease monkey drill? You must be good at climbing up with any foothold you can find? Long tails, strong vines?” says Jong, waving his pipe. “Well, this is the next lesson, the ‘please monkey grill’ if you like. It’s all about ape and essence, Bobo. Set your heart to it and the jungle will become a good place to be in. It’s hard only if you don’t know the rules, my friend.”

“And you’re saying that I have to learn to sing and become a muscle-bound ape?”

“Voila, you comprehend! You are seeing how simple and easy it is to become the top monkey, my friend.”