Humour

Testing Chaibo (part 2)

T A Balasubramanian’s account of a meeting where Chaibo, the chai-serving robot, is introduced.

Chai service at Baffle Corporation has advanced with time. It has moved well beyond the early Chai Server, the automated service trolley that uses state-of-the-art computer technology to serve chai, or tea, to the precise requirements of every officer who attends any meeting.

Your irrepressible Systems Officer, Brooke Bond, has invented it. You, Papyrus Bytewala, CIO of Baffle, have given Bond the project of the Chai Server as his most challenging assignment. The advanced robotic model of the Chai Server has been designed specially for Baffle by Doodh Byramji of Baff-Tech, the company owned by Biswajeet Baffle, brother of your company’s CEO, Baidyanath Baffle.

Doodh, in his infinite wisdom, has christened the machine Chaibo, since it uses Kibo technology that he has generously adapted from Ironica Robotica, the robotics company.

As the innovative CIO, you, Papyrus Bytewala, have now been given the sole responsibility for testing Chaibo’s functions in the environment of a live meeting. It is expected to showcase Baffle’s new, and hopefully money-spinning, product line of beverage leverage solutions.

“Folks, you have all seen it in the early evolutionary stage as the plain old Chai Server, our first generation chai service device, which was quite primitive, if I may say so. Over the past year, what we have done is to scale up the model. So here is the brand new prototype of the more sophisticated version of the Chai Server. Since this is our first exposition of Chaibo, you will have to excuse any obvious glitches,” you say to the assembled mafia in Baffle’s meeting place, the conference hall.

Your announcement is not, as might be expected, greeted with thunderous ovations, but with varying degrees of curiosity, amusement and indifference. Brooke Bond, with his pony-tail, wearing a T-shirt and faded jeans comes in with a remote pod in his hand, followed by what looks like Artoo-Deetoo, a three-feet tall chubby gadget on wheels, holding out a tray in both mechanical arms. On the tray are several cups filled with steaming liquids that look and smell like tea. The top of the machine is a hemisphere with two blinking lights, and it makes a beeping sound as it rolls around, looking baffled at first, but steadily becoming more confident.

“The Chaibo is the first generation of our Advanced Chai Server systems, empowered with fuzzy logic and enhanced with artificial intelligence to take the performance levels of enterprise physical agglomerations to new levels of incomprehensibility,” says Brooke Bond, his eyes shining with evangelical zeal. Most of the shining is directed at the chairperson of today’s meeting, Bindiya Baffle, the sole heir and daughter of Baidyanath Baffle. Being the CEO’s offspring has its own advantages.

You roll up your eyes but let Bond have the stage for now, even if all the overblown hype and the theatrical flourishes are getting on your nerves. After all, Chaibo, which uses neither artificial intelligence nor fuzzy logic, needs all the bluster that the IT boys can work up from their imaginations if it is to become Baffle’s shining star in the market.

“He’s cute and I love fuzzy logic even if he has no fuzz on top,” says Bindiya, clasping her hands together dramatically and kissing the bald top of the robot. “I think it’s awesome. Just thinking of all that smart stuff in Chaibo gives me gooseflesh, Brooky.”

Bond responds with a little bow, as if he has just been asked to kneel and be knighted by a queen. The aura of being the resident technical genius inventor and programming guru rests heavy on his pony tail, and he makes sure that everyone gets dazzled by it. With his acquired pet name ‘Brooky,’ and Bindiya’s open adoration, he is all set now to ascend the corporate ladder at Baffle Corporation in double-quick time. So you let him shine on, regardless.

“Artificial intelligence is needed for something as simple as getting a cup of tea?” says Fin Fina, cocking an eyebrow. “Don’t even begin telling me what the bill is going to be for your prototype, Papyrus,” he says, turning to you, fixing you neatly in the cross-beam of his gaze.

You, Papyrus Bytewala, CIO, nod gravely to let Fina, the CFO, know that you have noted his friendly fire. It is too early in the session to meet this with a volley of counter fire, so you offer a pacific smile instead. Zebras have to be wary of alligators here.

“What is enterprise physical agglomeration, Mr Bond?” says Gulabi Manpowa, head of human resources.

“I am glad you asked, Gulabi,” says Bond, his eyes shining even brighter. Given the go signal to expound on his newest technology high horse, he reels out a well-rehearsed line, “Enterprise physical agglomeration engages physical entities using a recognised group work paradigm that combines voice and physical interaction with information sharing to expand time in business interactivity by agglomerating useless knowledge and baffling all access to critical corporate information.”

“Hello?” says Gulabi turning to you helplessly, and throwing her hands up. “Can you translate that for me in plain English, Papyrus?”

“It’s a fancy word for an office meeting,” you say. “Bond thinks we should jazz up the terminology to make it sound more technical, so that our simple-minded customers will be stupefied into regarding Baffle Corporation with shock and awe instead of the usual snort and yawn we get when we talk to them.”

“Shall I go on?” says Bond, obviously eager to reel out more of the shock and awe gobbledegook. Before Gulabi can respond, he launches into the next volley, again aimed primarily at Bindiya.

“Enterprise agglomeration is different from corporate collaboration, which implies a group of physically dispersed people working together in harmony to get results,” says Bond, reading from his notes now. He taps Chaibo on the top of the steel head, and the robot whirrs in response.

Before he can escalate the spiel further, you decide to pitch in with a reality check. “Thanks, Brooke, you can sit down now. Folks, this test of Chaibo is all about simulating a real life. So we have a group of people in a meeting with no specific goal except to make an effort to be as unproductive as possible. The idea is to be vague and non-communicative so that a lot of time goes in getting your chai just right, or in inane conversations or in getting clarifications about what someone said or did not,” you say.

“Is Chaibo male or female, Brooky?” asks Bindiya.

“I know that must be a he, Bindiya,” says Gulabi, before Bond can respond. “We girls wouldn’t want to look anything like that, would we?”

“If it’s going to cost anything more than a trolley on wheels with a remote, it must be a she,” says Fin Fina.

The comments are all recorded on Chaibo’s system, processed and filtered for meaning. Chaibo turns to Bindiya, and in a soft tone that sounds almost like her voice, it says: “You guys are awesome!”

“Oh, that is so cute!” says Bindiya, hugging the robot’s cylindrical mid-section. Bond presses another button on the remote, and Chaibo turns to Gulabi.

And from Chaibo’s head, Bond’s voice speaks out clearly: “You must get me an assistant, Gulabi. I have too much to do here, and I think I deserve a raise.”

“Ah! That’s just like a man, Chaibo. You must be Brooky’s alter ego, too. He can’t talk for himself, can he?” chuckles Gulabi.

Bond laughs while you look on with increasing trepidation. What had been thought out as a warm and friendly presentation of Chaibo’s features, tailor-made for the Baffle mafia, was looking like an obvious ploy to win sentimental votes for the design.

Chaibo whirrs and rolls up to you next. “Would you like your tea with milk, Papyrus?” you hear Gulabi’s voice from Chaibo’s speaker.

“I did not say that!” says Gulabi, the real version.

“Of course not, I did, you silly goat!” says Chaibo, with a metallic laugh. The meeting was all set to roll now that the fuse had been lit.

This would be the trial by fire for enterprise agglomeration.